Even If You Don't Believe Me, You Are Enough

My whole life I have battled with not feeling enough. Enough what? I don’t really know. When I first came to college, I was so excited. Those first two weeks were pure elevation. I felt enough. I stayed up until 3 am every night to hang out and chat, only to wake up at 8am for my English class, and I never felt sleepy. I had tons of friends. I hardly ever stayed in my own room.  The doors flew open and music blasted down the hall. My roommate was amazing, and my life was great. I always had someone to eat with, and loneliness was out of the question. Then everything changed.

I left the dorm. I stopped being invited to things. People never texted me back. I saw post after post where friends were hanging out just not with me. Life was different.Once again I was left feeling like I could never be enough. Loneliness crept in, and sadness began my friend. I don't think I cried at all my first year of college. Now tears were a daily thing.  I realized that over the past two years I had done two things. First, I placed all of my worth in what others thought of me. Since I felt like I was popular in Jarvis Hall I felt on top of the world. Yet, when I realized that most of those relationships were superficial and forced I was left alone. The second thing I had done was allowing myself to become friends with people, who did not really care about me, but I was there and I was fun. We had so much fun. I was so happy because I finally had friends. In high school there were not a lot of people I felt like I could relate to, and I was so ready to get out and start new. I picked the first lot I was handed. BIG mistake. I had placed so much of myself into these friendships that when they were gone I felt as though I had nothing.

I tried really hard to make new friends, when the old ones left. I wanted to feel a part of something again. Like a group, squad, or clique. Yet, it seemed that the harder I tried the more I felt like I did not belong. Then I threw my hands up in the air and gave up. I gave up trying to please everyone and started doing my own thing. After first the change was small. I began working out, doing meditation, yoga, and taking care of myself. I started spending a lot of time on my passions like photography, my website, and of course school.  Even my writing changed. I began to write topics I was interested in, rather then what I thought others would read. Topics that are new rather than topics that are popular on Pinterest. I found that my creative side was hiding because I was trying to follow in the footsteps of others. The difference between a leader and a follow is simple. A leader finds their own path, believing it is the right one without the approval of others. Followers do what is popular and what will get likes. I had turned into a follower desperate and dependent on relationships. It is crazy that I became myself, when I lost everyone around me. It made me focus on what really mattered, what I really wanted, and who I want to be in life.

 

I want to be someone who does not have superficial friends. I want to care about people, not because I could gain from them, but because I love them unconditionally. I want to stop categorizing people, thinking I am less or greater than someone based off of intelligence, appearance, social status, ect. I want to see everyone equally, and I am starting to.

 

Once I gave up trying too hard to fit in I found genuine relationships. I am becoming vulnerable and real and liking the rawness of it all.  Finding I can be myself without constantly seeking the affirmation from others. I realized that I am enough, and I love myself enough to always be myself. I stopped going places I did not belong. I stopped forcing friendships. I realized that I am worth it, regardless of what others think of me. My value is not determined by anyone but myself. I began to chase after the life I want again. I am never going to live like that again.

Here I am.

I am enough.

And so are you.