Considering 70% of Durham students meet their life partners at university, it’s safe to say the majority won’t end up with their back-at-home-beau. Does this mean, then, that starting university with a boyfriend is a wholly pointless venture? A couple of years back, Tess Reidy and Sarah Raphael wrote an article for The Guardian entitled ‘Don’t even think about starting university in a relationship’ – you can probably ascertain what their stance on this issue was. I believe, however, that this blanket approach of ‘start-uni-single’ often misses the mark when attempting to advise what are likely to be unique and emotionally charged situations.
Stereotypically, girls who come to university in a relationship are distant and fragile pine trees, choosing a train ticket to lover dearest over house hunting with the posse. Of course, it’s difficult. As a fresher, living away from home for the first time whilst desperately trying to keep your newly waterborne academic boat from sinking can take its toll; having to balance your already limited time between new friends and a boyfriend on top of this can seem near impossible. This is before sports teams and societies are considered, and dare I even mention friends at other universities who’ve all been promised visits?
There’s also the question of emotional involvement – ‘can I ever truly relax into my new life here when my significant other is there?’ I believe the ability to settle away from a romantic partner must come from a conscious decision to embrace every aspect of university life with open arms, and not use said relationship as a comfort blanket in a new and strange world. Audition for that play, go on that ski trip, volunteer for that project – in other words, don’t let your commitment to another person hold you back on a what is a personal journey full of rare opportunity, because it will ultimately lead to resentment.
No one is saying long distance relationships at university are easy – but romances between people who meet as students are not necessarily stress-free either. In the words of Reidy and Raphael ‘you’re having the same reaction to the Thomas Hardy module’ (swoon) but the person is on your doorstep. Relationship dramas can easily manifest themselves in your day to day life and yes, there are likely to be people out there who just want sex. For most people this won’t be an issue. What I’m trying to emphasise is one shouldn’t sacrifice a happy long distance relationship for the sole purpose of obtaining a utopianised ‘Cambridge days’ Plath and Hughes style ideal. Just look how that ended.
Naturally, there will be those who end relationships from back home not because they want a boyfriend at university but because they want the freedom to be single. There will also be the inbetweeners who are unsure of what it is they want; in such cases their first few weeks at university could prove a useful test of their resolve. Do they have the will to make their relationship last or would they be happier single? The choice is entirely theirs.
For those who decide to go the extra mile and maintain a long-distance relationship, living in the now is crucial. Constantly questioning ‘is this going to last?’ or ‘is this worth it?’ without cause is pointless. You know what? It probably won’t last. But the chances of you marrying the person you’re with at this young age are slim regardless of circumstance; constantly trying to control and assess any situation is draining and senseless. If you love that person and they make you happy enough to justify a relationship, stay with them. If you think you’d be happier outside the relationship, don’t.
Above all, never dismiss someone simply because you’re at university. By no stretch of the imagination do they have to ruin your experience, and if they do – it’s your fault for letting them. Having someone separate from the intense and consuming world you become so wrapped up in can be invaluable, and if what you have is truly worthwhile, like anything in life, you should grant it the time it deserves to fully expand its potential.