This thing with you isn’t easy, and neither is writing this letter. You’re one of my closest friends, and have been for some time now, so processing what’s been going on between us recently has been difficult, confusing, and downright frustrating at times. Sometimes things are normal, and it’s like nothing ever changed, like we’re still just two buds playing video games and enjoying some late night Pitchforks. Other times…
Other times I’m waking up next to you, and smiling because that fact makes me so utterly content. Other times we’re casually flirting with each other when we cross paths on the quad. Other times we’re cuddling, watching Netflix. Other times I’m waiting for you to lean over and kiss me.
I’ll be open and say that I have no idea how we got to this point. One minute things were completely platonic, and the next, our clothes were coming off. Some days I blame it on the alcohol, other days I attribute it to a dry spell. Then there’s those rare days, when I’m sitting alone in my room, and it no longer matters who or what is to blame for how it started; I’m just glad that it did.
But now we’re here, in some kind of awkward in between stage of friendship and dating. I don’t want things to change because, honestly, the last few weeks have been some of my happiest in a while, but also, how long can we do this? How long can we pretend that the elephant in the room isn’t taking up every inch of space. How long can we act like this thing we have going on is healthy? How long can I pretend that we’re actually dating, despite the fact that all of our friends are completely out of the loop when it comes to this aspect of our friendship?
How long can we stay friends with benefits before we lose the friends part?
The scary thing is, I can’t bring any of this up to you. I’m not prepared for the potential consequences of this kind of conversation. I don’t know what would be worse, losing you as a friend, or going back to how things used to be, pretending like none of this ever happened. It’s a double edged sword, and I’m not willing to be cut just yet.
Part of me wishes we could go back to that night and prevent it from having ever occurred, and in turn, prevent us from starting this whole complicated situation, but the other part of me knows that’s a lie. I don’t know how to fix this, and the worst part is, I can’t talk to you about it like I usually do because you’re right in the middle of all the drama.
I miss being able to talk to you.
I know we’ll figure this out one way or another in the end, I just wish we could figure it out now. It’s the not knowing how things will end that keeps me up at night. At the end of the day, I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how much I want things to work out in a way that makes us both happy.
Love,
Your best friend