The Magic Words

If there is one thing that a confident and beautiful woman like you seeking a committed and loving relationship should know, it is this: Never. Ever. Ever. Be the first to say “I love you”.  Ever.
 
It’s one of those things on the “List of Things Women Should Never Have To Do In Their Lives” which also includes mowing the lawn, having dinner on the table at 5pm sharp, and wearing UGGs (there is a difference between comfy and frumpy). 
 
The point is that even though we women have the compulsive need to say the three magic words to any and every guy that pays us the slightest amount of attention, we must NEVER EVER do it.  I don’t care if you knew you loved him the minute you saw him destroying that mushroom swiss burger at The Loop.  I don’t care if you knew you loved him when he let you sleep over after sex that one time.  I don’t care if you’ve been dating for two weeks and he finally let you hold his hand on the quad.  (Btw, if he did, you should probably run.  Run far, far away because he’s definitely a Stage 5 Clinger in the making).  I don’t care if you’ve been “practically exclusive” for 6 months.  I don’t care if you’re “facebook offish”.  I don’t care if you’re spending spring break vacationing with his family.  I don’t care if you’ve already decided on your kid’s names: Elle for the girl because it’s classic and you secretly hope she’ll be her own version of Elle Woods and Peter for the boy because with your genetics and that name he’s bound to be a tall hot I-banker. I don’t care if you’re actually carrying his baby right now.  That’s how much I don’t care.  You NEVER let your guard down and that means you wait, like a panther ready to strike its prey, like a spider in her web, like you’re first in line at the Harry Potter 7 premiere, like you’re expecting a sympathy package that you have to sign for because you didn’t get those Swedish House Mafia tickets before they sold out because YOU WERE TOO BUSY WAITING. 
 
You wait until they cave and say those three sweet words that taste like victory.  They always told us “only speak when you are spoken to”, so only after they utter the blessed “I love you” in a moment of weakness can you respond with any of the following:
 
1.     “Thank you.” Ouch.
2.     “It’s too soon.” Oh.
3.     “I love you too.” Aw.
4.     “You’re just drunk.” Yeaaaaaaaaahhh.
5.     “Uh…this is awkward.” *sad face*
 
I hope that you actually do love that poor sucker, whoever he is and can respond happily with #3. Also, I don’t mean to water down the romance here, but I’m trying not to sugar coat the fact that “I love you” gets thrown around too often these days without any real meaning…and that WE MUST BEAT THE MEN.  What?
 
Anyway, I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve said, “I love you” first, and if I was, it obviously didn’t work out, so there’s a red flag for ya. And in my dating experience, which is like, constant since I am a serial dater, the man always falls hopelessly in love before you get the chance to say anything about love.  Give ‘em this one girls; it’ll give them the assurance that even though they are tied down to you for the rest of their lives, they made the active decision to do so, without any help from you.  (He’ll repeat this to himself and to you later, trust me).
 
When you do finally decide to mutually express your love, it is an amazing moment and it changes everything.  It’s the exact opposite of finding out you’re pregnant.  Think about how amazing that sounds.  To all those in love, I applaud you.  I mean it.
 
And for all rest of you, I STILL DON’T CARE THAT VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING UP.  Don’t even think about it.