Have you noticed lately that all the stability in your life is slowly fading away? Yea, it’s because all those glued-together couples you once relied on for the monotony and reliability of daily life are suddenly falling apart. I got to thinking about this phenomenon and I’ve come up with some conclusions about why the next big trend is breaking up.
Reason #1: The Radio. Yes, everyone is breaking up because of the radio. If you listen to the radio in the car nonstop like I do because you don’t have time to find cool new beatz you’re definitely getting the subliminal message written into each and every song on the radio: BREAK UP NOW. IT’S THE COOL THING TO DO.
Take for instance, Pink’s ‘Blow Me One Last Kiss’ where she basically says, I am ecstatic that we broke up and I’m gonna go out to Shootz MaGootz and bring somebody home. Then there’s Alex Clare’s ‘Too Close.’ If this song doesn’t scream I NEED SPACE LEAVE ME ALONE I WANT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE, I don’t know what does. I bet you that at least 50% of break ups are secretly chalked up to this song.
Lastly, there are the pathetic I-regret-breaking-up-but-not-enough-to-totally-regret-breaking-up songs like Maroon 5’s ‘One More Night’ or ‘Remember When’ by Chris Wallace. Yeah, both of these songs say, man we had some good times…but that’s about it. And the key word there is HAD because your relationship is in the past tense.
If you’ve heard any of these songs and heard them repeatedly over the past few weeks, that means that the radio is subliminally (or actually not so subliminally) screaming at you to break up with your lover.
Reason #2: Illusions of the New Tailgate. Ah, tailgate. Tailgate in itself is a reason to be single. But the problem is that the new tailgate is not all its cracked up to be. It’s basically less fun, less cool, and overall less likely to get you laid at the end—or the beginning—of a Saturday. But see, its not new tailgate that’s breaking everyone up but rather, the idea of new tailgate. The idea of slutty freshmen and women aplenty rubbing around in wet t-shirts soaked with beer. The idea of getting hammered with the bros and finding a sweet little girl to hook up with at 3pm. The idea of something that once was and will never be again. Your memory is powerful and people are falling victim to their sweet sweet tailgate memories and choosing to break up.
Reason #3: Cold Feet. For all you seniors out there, this applies most pertinently to you. Men get cold feet like women get chocolate cravings. But around senior year, cold feet are like a cold body, it’s cold 3 feet from him in every direction. He’s scared and so the only way he can think of to warm his feet is to break up with you. It’s not like anyone invented socks or anything, right? He’s just under the illusion that there are still prospects for him, hopes and dreams, that somehow you’re just not right for him any longer (and for no reason at all except that he has cold freaking feet). Don’t fret, get him some socks and remember that there is a reason this article is called “Why Everyone is Breaking up…And Why Everyone Will Get Back Together.”
Speaking of getting back together, don’t worry, your life won’t be in shambles for long because everyone is going to get back together and really, there is only one—or two—reasons for that.
Reason #1: Winter. No one likes to be alone during the winter, especially when it snows and ices in North Carolina. And no hot little number you meet at Shooters will keep you warm long enough to last all the way through January. Everyone is going to get back together because of this lovely season that brings people literally together for warmth and makes being in a relationship seem cozy, cute, and amazing. Plus, who else will get your ex that perfect power drill he’s been wanting since Freshmen year wrapped with a cute little Home Depot orange bow? No one but you, you perfect girlfriend you. So once the cold weather rolls in, so will your so-called ex.
Reason #2: Love. It does exist. And to avoid being mushy I’ll leave it at that, because let’s be honest, just at the mention of the word you’re squishing yourself into your seat, blushing, happy that at the end of all this cynicism, love still conquers all.
The Dating Duchess