“That poor dog has spring fever!”
One of my best friends texted me the other day, “Is it just me or are there so many more couples at Duke now that it’s springtime?” Yes, you have just walked into the bizarro world of Duke at springtime, when Dukies suddenly feel as though they are capable of melting each other’s icy hearts. Welcome to spring, when “love” becomes acceptable for a brief moment of weakness in an equally brief sunshine-bathed Durham.
As Dukies, we’re deprived of sunlight for so long during the bipolar rainy/snowy/cloudy Durham weather that once any ounce of springtime arrives we let all hell break loose. Girls start cracking out their short shorts, guys start sporting flip flops and pinnies, we start sitting out in the grass like hippies, and most horrifyingly, we start giving into the idea that we can engage in an intimate relationship with someone other than ourselves. UGH.
First of all, short shorts are a privilege, not a right. Second of all, bros: groom your effing toes and go pump some iron before you let me see your flimsy farmer’s tan. Thirdly, I’m laughing at the wet stain on the butt of your pants because you didn’t realize that the grass is still wet despite it being as green as the day after St. Patrick’s Day felt. Ew. Lastly, who are you kidding? Don’t kiss on the quad in front of me, and stop holding hands. GET A FREAKING ROOM. And not a room in Perkins. A room in your dorm, far, far away from me!
Remember in kindergarten (maybe I learned this a little too early—that explains some things…) when your teacher slash your mom slash your babysitter slash the weird boy in class told you about the birds and the bees? Yea, well they were talking about sex, and since birds and bees love spring because they pollinate and feed their young and build nests, that means that spring = sex. It’s the transitive property, duh. So yes, there are suddenly more couple sightings because the natural pheromones of the world have shifted with the seasons. Biology, birds, bees, whatever you want to call it, they’re all telling us subconsciously to start pounding the mattress, spreading the love, and acting so happy that it’s vomit-inducing.
I didn’t hesitate to reply to my best friend’s text with a quick, “That always happens. Spring blooms relationships, it’s sickening.” For all of the singles out there, I’m sorry. I know it’s gross but just think, why would you want to waste your hot tanned body on just one person? Plus holding hands on a hot day will inevitably get sweaty, and no respectable girl sweats unless she’s in da club. For all the couples, enjoy it while it lasts. Go to brunch at the WaDuke and wear your matching outfits to Carolina Cup. Hey, even get a room in Myrtle during beach week just for you two. Whatever, the rest of us don’t want you around anyway.
It’s called “spring fever” for a reason: because it’s infectious and if you take enough ibuprofen it will go away. Thank god for drugs.
Photo source: http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/19700000/Happy-Springtime-Frances-teddybear64-19750575-400-300.jpg