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5 Best Boyfriends for Valentines

5.  White wine

White wine satisfies you in places no man can reach: the blood stream and your small intestine.  You need a boyfriend that is as classy, smooth and intoxicating as you are.  So break out that Sauvignon Blanc and cheers to your self-determination!

4.  Beyonce’s Partition

No man can make you feel nearly as sexy as you do when body rolling in your bedroom to Beyoncé’s Partition.  Yonce’s on his mouth like liquor.  Your name’s not even YONCE but having it on a man’s mouth is somehow sexually validating.  You’ve never even ridden a limo before.  But you know that, if you did, you would request the driver roll up the partition so Jay-Z can “Monica Lewinsky” on you.


3.  Pancakes

Because, duh.

2.  Ben & Jerry

What’s better than a boyfriend?  TWO BOYFRIENDS.  Some boys come and go, some were total catches and some were, well, gay, but Ben & Jerry have always been there for you and they are able to adapt to your every emotion. 

When you dominated that midterm.  Phish Food.

When he broke up with you over text.  Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

When Karen said that bitchy thing behind your back about how your eyes are too close together and your eyebrows are over plucked but then refused to own up to her shade because you know she said it because classic Karen she’s a bitch.  Chunky Monkey. 

Ben & Jerry are the finest men around.  They’re so sweet and yummy you just want to eat them up! 

And you do. 

1.  Your best girlfriend

Your best girlfriend is your best boyfriend.  She just gets your weird sense of humor.  She puts your problems into words better than you ever could.  She’s the only person you’ll eat ribs in front of and through all the highs and lows she’s your constant source of support.  Unless she has a man.  In which case she’s a flaky, thirsty slut.

5 perfect boyfriends?  You go girl.

COMIC POP! POLITICS. TECHNOLOGY. EQUALITY. My name is RENCE and I double major in Political Science and Middle Eastern Studies at Duke University. I am a cast member of Duke University Improv (DUI), an undergraduate council member of the Duke Program in American Grand Strategy (AGS), and an intern for both Duke Undergraduate Admissions and Duke News & Communications.
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