Oh, Valentine’s Day, how we love you so… or maybe we don’t. For some of us, Valentine’s Day may be that unwelcome reminder of the journey many of us go on to find love (and often fail). In fact, for me, February 14 holds little to no meaning at all. This year, I decided to change things up a bit.
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Something I have started to realize as I’ve progressed into early adulthood is that loving oneself is hard; so hard, that it feels nearly impossible. In today’s society, women are often made to feel “less than” if they aren’t skinny, have imperfect skin, or don’t dress according to the status quo. I spent most of high school worrying about what others thought of me; so much so, that I feared walking to the front of the classroom just to get a tissue. However, I quickly learned that living in this mindset was harmful. I was selling myself short, underestimating my abilities – I was destined for failure.
As college students, not only do we face these pressures, but we are also pushed to get the best grades and become involved in numerous extracurricular activities to ultimately lead to our dream jobs. How do we balance all of this on top of keeping a job and staying healthy? We all experience bad days where we find ourselves criticizing who we are and wondering whether we are good enough. It is when criticism becomes constant and self-deprecating that we must take a step back and learn how to love ourselves again. One way to do this is through practicing self-compassion.
Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, involves being “kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings.”
Once we realize that perfection is an unrealistic goal, we are already one step closer toward being self-compassionate. According to Dr. Neff, there are three aspects related to self-compassion:
- being kind and understanding to ourselves when we make mistakes
- realizing that we are not the only ones to make mistakes
- being mindful of our emotions without dwelling on them excessively.
It is important to note that self-compassion is a separate entity from self-esteem. Yes, it is perfectly fine to love the way we did our hair and makeup and think our outfits are “on point,” but this is not what self-compassion entails. Self-compassion is the act of loving ourselves as we would love other human beings. Learning how to think of ourselves this way isn’t easy, of course. I definitely haven’t come close to living self-compassionately on a daily basis. There are many ways to practice, including journaling, changing the nature of your self-critical voice, and imagining what we would do if we were helping a friend, and then doing the same for ourselves. Dr. Neff illustrates these exercises and many more on her website.
However, learning how to love ourselves doesn’t mean every day will be filled with sunshine and roses. In fact, if we attempt to learn to love ourselves for the sake of hurting less, we may end up hurting ourselves more, according to Dr. Neff. “with self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience,” she said.
Whether we choose to write about the ways in which we love ourselves or learn how to think about ourselves differently, we are inching toward a better life. While we cannot get through life without experiencing pain and suffering, learning self-compassion will provide us with a forever shoulder to cry on – ourselves. Learning how to truly love ourselves will only improve the relationships we have with others. So, this Valentine’s Day, on top of the flowers and chocolates we just can’t resist, why not practice a little self-compassion? You may just find it does wonders for your health and well-being.