Diaries of a Would-Be Homewrecker

What do you do when the guy you like has a girlfriend?  

Nothing. That should be your first answer. You're not a homewrecker. You're not that girl that breaks up another couple's relationship just so you can have a chance at trying something out with a guy.  Sure, maybe he's really cute, and maybe you guys get along really well, and maybe some secret, small part of you thinks you might make a better match than his girlfriend, but in the end all that shouldn't matter because their relationship is not something for you to meddle in, or something to disregard.

Let me give you some context.

I was at this house party one weekend with my friends. We were at one of our friends’ houses which is the usual spot for fun and games. Everyone was there having a good time,  and then I noticed my crush. It seems funny to call him a crush really, since he is just one of the guys in the friend group, but when I first met him I thought he was ridiculously cute and someone that I would totally make a move on if the opportunity arose. After learning more about him and becoming more familiar with the group dynamics, I knew that not only was he in fact a very welcoming and warm type of guy,  but he actually has a girlfriend. As soon as I learned he was attached I promised myself I wouldn't make any moves.  I tried to see it through everybody else's eyes: they were a really cute couple and I'm sure they totally deserve each other.  It was a bummer initially because everyone's a little petty when it comes to that one crush they can't really flirt with, but like I mentioned above, I'm no homewrecker. I was not about to push my way in somewhere that I was not invited.

So that party past like the ones before it,  except this time I got to have a one-on-one with the guy (lets call him A).  I didn't try to send any messages this time,  knowing what I did about his girlfriend; I just wanted to get to know him more.  I learned about his hobbies and his family, what he wants to do after gaduation and how he really likes the place where he's living. I shared a lot of myself with him too and it seems like we were hitting it off, and that we could actually be good friends going forward.

The party came to a close and I headed home.  On my way back through the neighborhood, my phone buzzed and I looked down to see who would be texting me this late at night. I figured it might have been one of my girlfriends who wanted to check if I made it home okay, or maybe my sister telling me about her new job, but it was A. He texted me and thanked me for coming to hang out, and that he was glad we had a chance to chit-chat.  I told him the same, and that I was happy I had gotten the chance to get to know more about him (and that I wasn't just some weirdo who'd initially eyed him from across the room intermittendly for a solid half hour). After a few more niceities the conversation began to veer towards the direction of flirting- on his part, not mine. In the end, he told me that although he knew it was bad, he wanted to see more of me. He couldn't stop thinking about how he couldn't have me.

Now hear me out.  Maybe you're thinking he’s kind of skeezy; why would a guy who has a girlfriend start hitting on some other girl?  If you thought that,  you work quicker than me. Initially, I thought it was flattering. I thought, “ Oh, here is my chance!  I wasn't sure if he actually liked me but now that I know that he does: holy crap!”

I left the conversation open ended and fell asleep. The next morning I reconsidered what it meant and came to the conclusion (like many of you probably did) that not only was it skeezy of him, but it was downright mean to me!  Who does he think I am,  if not just some girl he thinks he can have on the side?  If it ever came to it, would he actually leave his girlfriend for me? Or would I just be something dangerous, or exciting that he didn’t have to commit to? I realized the way that he thought of me was not how I wanted to be thought of.  Sure, being the other woman could be fun for maybe an hour...until somebody's feelings really got hurt, but who's feelings would it be? I realized he's actually a jerk, not only to me, but more so to his girlfriend. Did I now have a responsibility to tell her what had happened? Would she want to know that her boyfriend was hitting on other girls, or would she be better off not knowing?  

In the end, I didn't do anything about it. I gave him a pass and I chalked his actions up to alcohol. Maybe I should have told him to think of his relationship, or that I wasn’t interested, but in the end I decided that I would only say something if he did it again. If I was another type of girl, maybe I'd do something about it but in all honestly, it's not really my problem. If he's going to act like that then sooner or later he'll slip up and his girlfriend will realize who she's with. And for as much as I've thought about our encounter, it wasn't actually that long, or that significant in the grand scheme of things. It did however make me realize that you cannot always fool yourself into thinking something will go well, when there are clear hinderences and roadblocks along the way. All you can do is make the best decision you can at the time and realize that boys are dumb. 

xoxo