When I came up with the idea for this article, my brain was overflowing with thoughts about why I did not want to define the relationship with a guy I’ve been seeing. And then I sat down to write it and came up short. I asked myself, “Why are you making excuses? Just let him call you his girlfriend,” and “What difference does it make whether you have a title or not?”
This is when I realized something very important, and came to the real conclusion as to why I don’t want to DTR. I was invalidating my own feelings just because I couldn’t explain them in a way that would make sense to everyone else. I was afraid if someone asked if we were together and I said no, that I couldn’t explain it to them.
But I don’t have to explain it to them. I don’t have to explain it to anyone – not even myself. I read a quote once that someone attributed to their therapist and it helps me ground myself in actuality. It read, “Your feelings are valid simply because you feel them.” More simply (and less eloquently) you’re allowed to feel what you feel, when you feel it, with or without reason.
The reasons why I don’t want to define the relationship may seem like excuses to someone else – they may even seem like excuses to the guy I’m telling them to! Saying things like, “I can’t make time for my ‘boyfriend’ when I have other things I want to do,” sounds like a selfish excuse when I write it down or say it out loud and that used to make me hate myself. It made me guilt myself into doing things I didn’t want to do and put off the things I did want to do, just so I didn’t come across the wrong way to my SO.
So it’s okay not to DTR. It’s okay to not have a “good” reason for it. It doesn’t make you a sl*t for wanting to be single. It doesn’t mean you have commitment or trust issues. It doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. It just means you’re learning to value the most important and long lasting relationship you’ll ever have: the one with yourself.