Dear Newly Broken-Hearted,
I just got out of a relationship that I thought I was going to be in forever – like picking out house decorations in Target, naming our kids, planning vacations, together forever, type of thing. When it ended, I almost wanted to become one of those jaded and emotionless girls – the kind of girls he dated a couple times before me. I wanted this to be the relationship that turned me into the girl who didn’t have emotions and didn’t have boyfriends. I wanted to wear all black clothes, and drink black coffee, wear dark lipstick, and be mysterious. Basically I wanted it to turn me into a non-committal a**hole.
But then I realized something really exciting. I’ve been given this awesome opportunity from heartbreak to reinvent myself and to re-dedicate myself to me. I learned a lot since the breakup (it only happened about two months ago) and I’m learning more every day about love, life, and myself. I got this chance to get to know me for me and not as a part of an us. I got to know the person in me that could have never existed in the relationship I had. I thought the relationship was helping me grow up but now, being a little bit removed from the situation, I’ve realized that I wasn’t growing into who I wanted to be. Instead I was growing into the mold of what I thought we should be.
It’s an amazing feeling, now, to know that I’m the type of girl who can zip up her own dress, who can take herself out to dinner, and who can cuddle up with a good book at the end of the night instead of a boyfriend (and be okay with that). I’m the type of girl who can stand on her own two feet, who can find her own place in the world, and who can be secure in her solitude. I’m the type of girl who would much rather be these things, drinking coffee with two sugars and hazelnut creamer, than the plain black-coffee-drinking girl I would have to pretend to be.
And yes, sometimes I still feel sad. Sometimes it feels like a waste of two years of energy and love that could have been given to someone else (or myself). There are days when I feel so alone and unlovable that I don’t leave my bed. But mostly I feel thankful for the chance to be my own number one for a while. It feels good to be needed by someone, even if that someone is yourself.
All my love to you,
The Previously Broken-Hearted