This morning:
I was making my morning iced coffee at home an hour ago and noticed our bucket of ice in the freezer was getting low. I caught myself feeling annoyed. My two options: fill up our ice bucket with the ice cubes and re-make some ice in the ice trays OR use the ice for my coffee and passive-aggressively leave the small amount in the ice bucket and let one of my housemates do the chore.
These thoughts were going through my head: “I feel like I am always doing this chore. I feel like I have been doing the trashes more lately too.”
But my mind quickly reminded me that my housemates have had to take my laundry out of the dryer often because I am not timely on that chore hardly ever. Also, a few months ago, one of my other housemates was taking the brunt of emptying the trashes. I told myself … “All the chores even out. Buckle up, buttercup. Just get em done and don’t overthink this.”
But I am me, and I overthink. And I overanalyze.
So why? Why did the ice cubes totally bug me this morning?
I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I let the thoughts stop there for a moment. But then I thought, so what? What if I AM being taken advantage of? Can I handle that? Why is that a problem?
Putting it into perspective for myself:
I’ve been sorely taken advantage of in the past and didn’t catch it until I was a “shell” of what I wanted to be. That freaked me out and made me very incapable of daily tasks at that time. It felt really scary. AND icing on the cake: I deal with suicidal thoughts and a lot of panic attacks in tough times. SO, with me in a bad spot of being taken advantage of emotionally and mentally for a long time, you can probably guess my suicidal thoughts and panic attacks were at an all-time high for my lil ol’ self. (Because this happened in the recent past to me, I can tell that I operate daily off of trying to protect myself from that state again).
Therefore, I present to you a silly task of doing the ice tray chore. AND I present to you a pairing of a mental health discussion with it.
I was curious to dig into my feelings about this. I kept thinking and found a “mental journey” of the following.
A logic loop:
- Am I being taken advantage of?
- If so, I feel like I am not respected.
- If I am not respected, I am not heard and not given a chance to be heard in the future.
- If I am not heard, that feels like I am unworthy.
- I am lesser than.
- If I am lesser than and unheard and unworthy, I can’t get anything done. The emotions are too strong and take up my time AND if no one will listen to me, then how will I make progress on my tasks?
- If I am unproductive, I am unworthy. My value is heavily tied to my ability to produce. (As in many societies and individual relationships.)
- If I am unworthy, I am unneeded and unwanted. AND I am internally allowed to think about suicide (a personal difficulty.)
- When I think about suicide, I am unproductive and I feel like I can’t function.
- If I can’t function, I am unworthy and I am allowed to think about suicide.
- When I think about suicide, I am unproductive and I feel like I can’t function.
- If I can’t function, I am unworthy and I am allowed to think about suicide.
- When I think about suicide, I am unproductive and I feel like I can’t function.
- If I can’t function, I am unworthy and I am allowed to think about suicide.
See how it loops…?
I am sure I could keep digging in and find more roots. (You know I will!!!) For now… this is partly where I get stuck.
To close out…
To close out these thoughts this morning, I am reminded that it hasn’t only been the ice cubes lately. I feel a bit lost in my ability to tell if I am being taken advantage of. Because of my past, I am now highly sensitive to opportunities where people can take advantage of me mentally, emotionally, etc. I am hyperactive in my thoughts of “Do I allow this?” I am grasping for control. And grasping for a way to tell myself that I choose all the things I am doing in my life. I am grasping for choice.
The ice cubes won’t hurt me, and no one is actively trying to take advantage of my ability to do chores at the house. BUT I am feeling taken advantage of lately in life… In different areas than the ice cubes. I am feeling a lack of control. I am looking to change something. The ice cubes are just a sign post.