DISCLAIMER: All opinions in this series are exaggerated and comical—please take no offense.
Don’t get me wrong, I love chips and guacamole just as much as the next person. I crave the flavor of cilantro and lime mixed with avocado and tomato, but there has to be enough non-avocado ingredients to balance its taste and texture. When prepared well, avocado is good, but that’s a rare occasion. And that rare occasion only lasts for about five seconds, so there goes the only good part. Otherwise, avocados are a disappointing food product. Here, I’ll explain why.
Problem #1: They NEVER Last
Being the college student that I am, I bought an avocado to eat in my room for a nice snack. I bought this unripe avocado on a lovely Tuesday night, and on Friday evening it still was not ripe enough to eat. I figured I would let it sit until Saturday morning, as it would surely be good enough to eat by then. So, when I woke up, in true college style, at noon on Saturday after a crazy night of eating Cheez-Its and watching cartoons on Netflix in my dorm room, I was eager to eat my ripe avocado. I went to my desk to make an aesthetically pleasing plate with my avocado only to sit down, cut it open, and find that the whole thing was already completely brown on the inside. It couldn’t have been that long between the time during which the avocado was inedible and the time during which it became perfectly ripe, yet it clearly wasn’t able to stay ripe for more than five hours. What is the point of having a fruit (yes, an avocado is a fruit) that only has an eating time slot of a few hours? Bananas can be perfectly ripe for at least twelve hours, so why on earth does the avocado have to be such a drama queen about ripeness perfection?
Problem #2: Avocado Toast
I love my mom, but sometimes she just doesn’t get it quite right. So, one sunny morning last summer, I woke up to a wonderful surprise—my mom had made me breakfast! I hopped out of bed and ran downstairs like I was 8 years old again, eager for some pancakes. Like I said, I love my mom, but all of my excitement and hope vanished when I saw avocado toast on the table. Sure, a good avo-toast with all types of other yummy toppings is delicious, but to my dismay, it was JUST avocado with a little seasoning. Meh.
Problem #3: Flavor
What even is the flavor of an avocado? It just tastes smooth—to me, there is no distinct flavor at all. But, when there is flavor, it is always a pungent, weird taste that turns me away from the fruit. There is only one quality that truly proves avocados’ lack of taste—vegan avocado chocolate pudding. Hey, good for vegans that they found a good substitute for gelatin because pudding is DELICIOUS, but this can only prove one thing: avocados have NO FLAVOR. You mix a few spoonfuls of sugar and cocoa powder with an avocado, and it immediately becomes chocolatey goodness with no hint of its odd taste. There is no way that something with a distinct flavor can be the base of a vegan chocolate pudding, right?
Avocados are unnecessary and flavorless. What’s your unpopular opinion?