Sweet, sweet HerCampus readers, I have a confession to make: I am no longer taking any medication for my anxiety, for the first time in five years. I started taking anxiety meds at the tender age of 15, when I was diagnosed with both generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. Looking back at myself from the eyes of a now-20 year old ~woman~, I understand how far I’ve come and all the things I’ve accomplished in my life, including the proper management of my anxiety. But man, not being medicated for my anxiety anymore is so. damn. HARD. So, sweet readers, I’m coming back with Volume III to tell you aaaaaaallllllllll about life as a no longer medicated but still anxious gal trying to get through college.
To be completely honest, I never thought there would be a day where I wasn’t on medicine to treat my two anxiety disorders. Never once, all through my high school career, did I think I would be able to function as a real human, doing real human things, without the aid of a drug that pumped chemicals into my brain to make me feel less anxious. But, as I got into college and I saw how well I was adjusting (this, of course, is subjective – change and transition is always hard, I did really well, all things considered), I started to think that maybe I didn’t need so much medicine anymore. So my dosage went down, and things were still going pretty well. After that, I started to think maybe I didn’t need any meds at all. But, the thought of that was really scary. So I had multiple talks with my doctor throughout the year, and we decided that I should try to be fully weaned off my medicine by the end of June, 2019. And I did it.
The summer was an easy time to transition from medicated to not. I was working a low-stress nanny job with two adorable little girls, and I wasn’t taking any online classes or stressing about school. The only high-stress activity of my summer was moving, but that all happened before or slightly after I weaned off my meds. The first couple days off the medicine felt normal, and I didn’t feel any different. After maybe a week or so, I noticed that I was having a hard time falling asleep because I couldn’t get my brain to shut the hell up anymore (I used to take my pills at night). I began taking a very low dosage of melatonin (which my doc said was a-okay) and my sleeping issues went away. No big deal. So, I thought I was doing super well and had adjusted fully and beautifully to life-with-no-meds. And then I got back on campus.
I knew that the first few days of classes would be hard for me — they always, always are. The adjustment is always difficult for me, and being around people all day can be draining those first few days. So, when I felt those familiar achy feelings the first few days, I just thought it was normal. But then the second week rolled on by, and I was still feeling jumpy and anxious every time I walked into a class. Those first-day feelings were becoming an every-day feeling, and I was confused. I didn’t understand why things were still so hard, even though I had been fine over the summer without the meds. I had something of a very tiny crisis, one where I had to ask myself if I had done the right thing by going off my anxiety medicine.
That question is still floating around in my head, and will rear its ugly, mean head in moments where I feel overwhelmed. Going off my meds has been an incredibly empowering thing for myself, but it’s also been incredibly hard. I get moments of intense, heart-wrenching sadness or heart-stopping anxiety every now and then, and sometimes, just for a few moments, I allow myself to succumb to my own inner turmoil and wallow in those feelings of anxiety and sorrow. But, I also got those when I was medicated. What I have to remember (and what I have a very hard time doing) is that my anxiety isn’t just going to go away now that I’m not medicated. In fact, it might get worse. But I also have to remember that I am strong, and capable, and that I’ve done this before. Everything I’m going through now, I’ve gone through before and made it out with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.
It’s been hard as HELL to go off a medication that I’ve been on for five years for a mental illness that I’ll always have. But, I have a support team of some of the most amazing and loving people in the world, and I know they’re here to rally around me and help me get through this, just like they always have. The biggest point I want to make here is this: it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be anxious, and it’s okay to wallow in those feelings a little bit— it’s okay to feel however you feel. Just remember that you aren’t doing it alone, and there are people in this world who love y’all like crazy (me, I’m one of them). So, it’s really hard to be sad and anxious and not be on medication for something as debilitating as anxiety. I’m working on it. It’s a long process and long road ahead, and it’s going to be hard, but I think I can do it.