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It has recently been brought to my attention by my friends and family that I have a… unique taste in men. While this does apply to my actual dating life, it especially applies to my celebrity crushes. I promise I have some typical celebrity crushes (hi Chris Evans and Tom Holland) but I also have a large number of obscure and weird ones.

 

Nicholas Braun

Nicholas is the inspiration, the blueprint, the catalyst for this article. I’ve had a crush on Nicholas Braun since I was young and an avid Disney Channel lover. You may know him as the glow-in-the-dark sidekick, Zach Attack, from the hit Disney Channel Original Movie, Sky High, Zeke in Minutemen, Ed in Princess Protection Program, or Ponytail Derek in The Perks of Being a Wallflower (among other things). However, my love has been reinvigorated over the past few months thanks to me watching Succession, where he plays Cousin Greg, and his COVID-19 bop “Antibodies” (Do You Have The). I have watched probably every interview of his that exists, and have 100% convinced myself that we are soulmates and that he would fall in love with me if we met. My friends love to judge me for this obsession, but he has my whole entire heart. Nicholas Braun, if you see this, please hit me up.

 

Stanley Tucci

This man was ROBBED of the recent Sexiest Bald Man, because, uh hello? Have you seen him in Easy A? Stanley Tucci has RANGE. From The Hunger Games franchise and The Devil Wears Prada to The Lovely Bones and making negronis on his Instagram, he can do it all. I am Stanley Tucci’s number one fan, and I would risk everything for him. 

 

JK Simmons

JK Simmons has a similar vibe to Tucci, so maybe that’s my type? And I know what you’re probably thinking: you’re simping over the guy from the Farmers Insurance commercials? Yes, I am simping over the guy from the Farmers Insurance commercials. But I’ll ask you this question…. Have you seen Whiplash? Because watch that film and you’ll understand.

 

Seth Rogen

I honestly can’t totally explain this one, but I think Seth Rogen is a fine man who makes me laugh, and I just know he would treat me right. Also, his recent photo shoot with GQ? Perfection.

 

Bill Hader

Again, not one I can totally understand besides the fact that he makes me laugh and there’s just something about him that I love. I also think this love could apply to any man that has ever been on Saturday Night Live. They are a different breed.

 

Pete Davidson

The Saturday Night Live cast member-love applies to Pete Davidson as well. I realize he is not conventionally attractive at all and he looks like he would destroy me, but he has just an undeniable energy that I can’t help but simp over.

 

Jack Black

I know, I know. I need therapy (no joke, I actually do) but he just has a ‘je ne sais quoi’ that is undeniable and keeps me coming back for more.

 

Eddie Redmayne

I have been in love with this man since I saw the movie adaptation of Les Mis when I was 13. He is incredibly awkward and is way skinnier than me, but I just can’t help myself. 

 

I’ve decided to also include some weird fictional characters that I love and wish were real human beings.

 

Vision

While it does apply to the human version we see in WandaVision, I am specifically about the humanoid-robot version of Vision. Yes, he is made of maroon metal but I just KNOW he would treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

 

Charlie Swan

Team Edward? Team Jacob? Nah, I’m Team Charlie. I recently rewatched all of the Twilight films and decided that he would be my love interest if I was a character in the franchise. Yes, it’s the mustache. He also just seems like a sweetheart and is trying his best. He can try his best with me, any day. 

 

The Dad from Inside Out

Yes, it’s the mustache (again). He has the same vibes as Charlie Swan and that’s a vibe I want in my life. 

 

The Onceler

I know for a fact that the Onceler would be interested in me first and make me fall in love with him and then break my heart because he decided that he didn’t actually want a relationship even though he has feelings for me. But, that’s not any different than the real guys I date, so what’s one more? 

 

Robin Hood (Animated Disney Version) 

Yes, I am talking about an animated fox…but have you seen him? That’s all I can say. This applies to many animated animals.

 

I hope I didn’t expose myself too badly with this article, but I think this was an important topic that I needed to discuss. I love all of my celebrity and fictional men so much. They are the exceptions when I say that I hate men.

Sadie is co- Campus Correspondent for Her Campus DePaul. She is a proud Wisconsinite double majoring in Journalism and Media and Cinema Studies. She is a cheese-loving lactose intolerant, musical theater nerd, movie buff, and cat lady. If you ever need to know unnecessary random facts about celebrities or want a live reenactment of every episode of The Office, she's your gal.
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