This isn’t meant to be spiteful, and I don’t want pity. But as a writer, I feel a responsibility to share my experiences. Because I know there is someone else out there who wears their heart on their sleeve and knows how it feels to hold it broken in their hands.
Writing this article with the tears of heartbreak in my eyes and wondering how, once again, I believed the lies. This isn’t a weakness, but instead, hope. Hope that the universe would give me lemonade instead of lemons for a change. Hope that the good is still in people. So, here are the things I have learned. Unfortunately, I learned my lesson the hard way.
For some reason, I always felt like I was the exception. The “he’s broken a lot of hearts, but I have a heart of gold that doesn’t shatter like glass” exception. But these guys are professionals. At first glance you see the handsome face with the unique smile that you find so charming it brings you to your knees. And then there’s the laugh. That deep belly laugh that he does, forgetting to use his hand to cover up that unique smile, and you see it, the full effect, and all caution goes to the wind.
And he sees it in you too. You’re not quite sure what it is, but it must be something to hold the ability to made him do that belly laugh. Oh, how good it feels when he laughs like that. And oh how special you feel when a man like that grabs your thigh while driving and turns to you at a red light and says “Madison, I love you”. That’s when I felt it. That love. That wholehearted love. Because as someone who doesn’t love often, when I love I love hard. And I fell so hard.
I fell hard when he told me that I was different. That I was memorable. That the past didn’t matter because I was the future. And further, I fell. When he introduced me to his parents, his grandparents. I was different.
He was honest. Or so he claimed to be.
He was loyal. Or so his parents claimed him to be.
I was worth it. “I have baggage,” I told him. “I’m emotional,” I told him. However, he responded with “you are worth it”. Because I was the “love of his life”. And I believed it.
I believed him when we were driving home and he asked: “will you marry me?”. Or “I’d marry you tomorrow” or “let’s just elope”.
I believed him when he told me he would fight for me. When I told him long distance was going to be hard but that I’m going to fight for this and he promised to do the same. I believed him when he told me I was his forever.
But he lied.
Days before he called he whispered forever in my ear. The day he called he said he missed me. It was all right before he called.
I had been a lot to handle, and I can admit to that. School had just started and I was in a new city, with new people, still trying to get my bearings. And I was emotional. The man I loved was hundreds of miles away. The man I fell asleep next to now had to sleep alone and so did i. The man I used to talk to for hours, and now the calls were only minutes. I was lonely, and I was going through a lot. And he didn’t fight. I needed someone to fight for me and he didn’t fight. Because I had “changed”. I wasn’t the same sun-kissed and carefree brunette he met this summer.
And he used these moments of vulnerability and turned them to weakness. The person who knows everything about you turns around and uses those facts as leverage. “Weak” he called me through the phone. Because yes this happened over the phone. “I feel sorry for you” he stated. “I’m doing poorly at my sport you’re a distraction” because that’s what outweighed me. And I just wasn’t worth the extra energy.
But don’t worry because he will “always love me” and I was his “most meaningful relationship” and I “won’t just be another number”.
Funny how cliche it is. Funny how the reasons sounded rehearsed. Or maybe just practiced. And now I’m left wondering how many others heard the same lines.
And as he delivered these lines I heard the tears from the other side of the phone. Funny how my relationship was ending with him in tears. Because he was ending it because I shed too many.
I learned to never give all of myself to another person. Because I put all my energy into him. To his happiness. To his convenience. Anything I could do for him I would and then some. But you shouldn’t. You should hold on to that piece of yourself. You should fight for the things that you need or that you feel like you derisive. Don’t be passive, know what you need and get that. Relationships aren’t just about the person your with, the responsibility should be shared. You are not wrong for crying. You are not wrong for asking for more. And you’re allowed to have bad days or even weeks. Sometimes life just hits you HARD, and that’s OKAY.
Be with someone who doesn’t think of it as a chore to love you. Be with someone who believes it’s a privilege. Because you are worth it, and you deserve that kind of love.