I was a math genius before middle school, or so I was told. In elementary school I breezed through my multiplication tables and mastered long division. My very impressed fifth grade teacher recommended me for advanced math and eleven year old me readily agreed. In sixth grade I found myself sitting in an algebra class trying to learn things that I didn’t understand. The numbers got lost in my train of thought and I felt like I was learning a language I didn’t know. And that was only the beginning.
I’ve had a terrible relationship with math for the past seven years. It has been ridiculously hard for me to understand the math I’ve been taught. I was too stubborn to level down and too proud to seek out extra help. I was taught that moving to an easier class meant that you were accepting defeat and that finding a tutor meant you didn’t deserve your spot in the class. I didn’t want to accept defeat but I felt like a fraud. I was called a “smart kid” because I was in advanced math but I never felt that I had truly earned that title. I didn’t feel smart because I didn’t understand anything going on in my precalculus class and I felt guilty for loving my English class.
I think it’s time for people to stop attributing intellect with math and science. Sixth grade me had the preconceived notion that the only smart women in the world were mathematicians, doctors and scientists. I’ve learned a lot since then. I now understand that there are smart women in all professions. There are smart women who are authors, designers, artists, and humanitarians. Being good at math and science isn’t the only way for a person to be smart and that notion alone has drastically improved my life.
So yes, I’m still scared to take a college math class. I fear that it’ll bring back my old insecurities but I’ve had so many realizations since my time in that sixth grade algebra class. I may not have learned much math but I have learned that accepting your downfalls is empowering and good for the soul. So will I ever end up actually taking a college math class? Only time will tell.