It is a Thursday afternoon, you are swamped with work and in need of a caffeine fix so you retreat to your trusty local coffee shop for refuge. You order an iced chai latte and find a cozy corner to set up camp and grind out your work. To your delight a handsome stranger walks in and you make eye contact with him from across the room. For the next two hours you pretend to do work while waiting for the mystery man, who you have imagined an elaborate backstory for, to approach you. Instead, he leaves without so much as a glance in your general direction and you are faced with an entire paper to write before class tomorrow.
Has a scenario like this happened to you before? Did you complain to your friends about being ignored? In instances like this we are too quick to blame our male counterparts for our upset in regards to uneventful romantic pursuits. Society has conditioned women to be the passive party when it comes to initiating the delicate process of the flirt. An overwhelming amount of movies stage romantic encounters as a process in which the man courts the woman. We must interrupt the distorted and time worn notion that men have to be the first one to “make a move.” Flirting requires the participation of both parties. In regards to romantic pursuits, I encourage women to use their own agency. Don’t idly sit in a coffee shop for hours waiting to be spoken to when it’s much more time efficient and empowering to go up and engage in conversation with your person of interest.
I recognize that it is much easier to talk about these ideas in theory than to put them in to practice. That’s why I put these calls for feminine forwardness into action last weekend. While at a party with my friends, someone in the back corner caught my eye. I pointed out my person of interest to my friends and they arranged a highly uncomfortable introduction for us. I immediately froze up and could barely speak. After tripping over my words, I made a dash for the door to prevent any more nonsense from escaping my mouth.
As I reflected on the awkward encounter, I realized I could not leave without properly introducing myself. I composed myself and proceeded to take another crack at speaking with said person of interest. This time we were alone and I took the lead in the conversation. I expressed my interest in him but his response was slightly underwhelming, which could partly be explained by a lack of experience in being approached by a woman first. Or, he simply was not interested in me. Nevertheless, I was more pleased to have made my feelings known than to remain frustrated by not saying what was on my mind.
Comedian Iliza Shlesinger discusses the struggles and obstacles women face in navigating dating in her comedy special, “Elder Millennial.” She highlights rejection as a key difficulty experienced by women who initiate flirting. Shlesinger attributes women’s frustration with rejection to the scarce number of women who are the first to engage in conversations with men. Because many men are accustomed to approaching women first, Shlesinger explains that they are better equipped in coping with rejection. If more women participated in the initial flirt, less disappointment would result from instances of rejection.
My message is simply this: Don’t wait for men to approach you first and avoid using middle men as it only complicates the situation. Be the confident woman you already are and that will more than suffice when it comes to approaching the person you are interested in.
I talk about forwardness in heteronormative terms because I have only engaged in heterosexual relationships thus far. I would be interested to hear more about others’ experiences in navigating flirting and dating outside of a heteronormative framework.