I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Christianity gets a bad rep nowadays. I get it, some Christians aren’t the kindest people. But let’s take a step back. A lot of people are pretty unkind and they’re not Christians. So trust me when I say that I know how difficult it can be to be a liberal Christian.
So will you hear me out?
I struggled like any other teenage girl did, but growing up in a steady household with loving parents gave me an advantage in life. Not to mention that I had a loving church family and a wonderful mentor, who, sadly, I haven’t talked to in a while.
When I was having a bad day, I always had Wednesday nights to look forward to. Youth group was the best part of my week most of the time. We got to hang out and play stupid games, but we always left feeling closer with God than we had when we walked in. That’s all thanks to Scott Hardwick.
As I got older, college applications began and life got busy. Church was put on the backburner and academics took over my life. I got into Denison and off I went, never looking back.
Once I got here, I started looking for churches immediately, but when I started visiting them, none of them felt like home.
My opinions and views never seemed to line up with what was being taught. Who cares if someone is gay? Shouldn’t we all have a right to love? And what about sex before marriage? What happens if rape is in the picture? And even if it’s not, would God really punish you for intimacy? Nothing made sense to me.
Luckily, I found a wonderful professor that opened my eyes to the world around me and made me feel like I had finally found my place in this world. Bible, Gender, and Sexuality. What a class. Thank you, Dr. Kotrosits.
Since that class, a lot of things have started to make sense in life. But I could never find a church that made me feel like my opinions were valid.
It’s really hard to be a silent Christian.
I never wanted to offend anyone with my Christianity. I didn’t want to make people feel invalid for believing in whatever they believed in. I just wanted to be a Christian without any strings attached.
To be honest, I haven’t figured any of this out yet, but I know I’m on the right path.
Thanks to a dear friend, Mary Massarelli, I was able to attend a dinner with a few members of a nearby church that fulfilled me in so many ways. I never have been able to find a place close to Denison that fulfills me like this did.
I intend to start attending services with this group, but until then, I’ll pray.
I’ll pray for guidance.
I’ll pray for friendship.
And I’ll pray for love.
That’s all we really need, right?
All I want in this life is to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend and one day a good mother. I’m not sure what to do with all these feelings, but I can promise that I’ll be the best person I can be. Otherwise, what else is life worth?
I’m not sure what God wants from all of us. I haven’t deciphered the meanings hidden in the Bible and I haven’t found my true meaning in life, but I have hope that I will.
No matter what I become in life, no matter what my friends become, or what my brother becomes, I know that somehow, God had His hand in it. Maybe that’s all I need. To know that someone is always there with me, even in my darkest moments.
Because trust me, the dark moments are the times I wanna scream and yell and fight with God. But if I can just remember that truly, He’s the only one with me, and will be the only one who is always with me, I think I will somehow be okay.
It’s so lonely to wander this world alone.
My forever wandering soul.