Decoding the Emotional Weight of Being the Family’s Caregiver and Reclaiming the Right to Self-Prioritization
“Are you happy or are you the eldest daughter?”
The “Eldest Daughter Syndrome” has come to focus only recently but it has lingered for ages. While it is not yet another diagnosable condition, it occurs in recurring patterns, particularly in families where the eldest child is a girl. As the eldest daughter, we have always been expected to fall into the ridiculous “good girl” criteria, which supposedly most of us fail to meet. There are pre-existing societal and familial expectations that disproportionately burden her. The eldest daughter grows up in an environment where she is always expected to take care of her other siblings and also tries to create an exemplary trail for her younger siblings to follow. This moulds her personality in profound ways, pushing her into the labyrinth of expectations of being the caregiver from an early age.
Under such pressures, she naturally assumes the duty of being the provider for not only her parents but also to look out for her siblings as well. It kind of makes her believe that she solely has to live under whatever aids her in setting an example. She gradually develops those “people-pleasing” attributes that she isn’t even aware of and the need to gain approval and fulfil obligations becomes so much a part of her that she doesn’t realise the toll it takes on her own mental health.
I can say all of this myself as I, too, am the eldest daughter in my family and I’ve observed it all myself. Exploring individuality always ends up in somewhat of a dilemma. Acting out in a way that does not hold a very great response from my family, I have always had second thoughts even though the aforementioned act makes me happy. This remains unspoken of, mostly, all thanks to the dogma that tries to glorify selflessness. Because after all, I have to be the perfect daughter and be responsible or so is expected from me. I find this hard to shrug off and I’m sure girls, who are the eldest child, all around the world can relate with what I’m saying.
Justification for your actions, when tried to be sought from outside, is futile. Does it really matter eventually? A constant quench for validation just always overshadows the joys that could have accompanied the simplest of actions. Whenever I listen to my sister talk about following her passion as a designer or opening her own bakery someday, it instinctively crosses my mind that it is my duty to support her in all her endeavours; in ways that I wasn’t. A little self-reflection makes me anxious. Taking opinions from family is fine but then banking on them for validation is not. Why should anyone else’s opinions diminish the joy of goals and aspirations that you have decided for yourself?
I am just trying to highlight the problems with overburdening the eldest daughter with omnipresent expectations. EDS is not any real diagnosable condition nor does gender or the order of birth really imply that people will have these very certain traits; but as Laurie Kramer, a professor of applied psychology, finds in her research on sibling relationships that many eldest daughters eventually end up struggling to meet expectations without even realising.
It is not that order of birth matters, the weight could be on any particular individual in the family. You can recognise it the moment you see one of your siblings always being the one who almost always goes: “ Oh wait, I got this.” or “Don’t you worry. I’ll take care of it.” We need to pause and look after such signs. Redefining certain roles and allowing scope for self-prioritization could be the starting point for parents to dissolve the elusive cycle of unfair expectations. Acknowledging the eldest child’s struggles can pave the way for more balanced family dynamics because the eldest daughter does have the right to unapologetically live for herself.
Are you the eldest daughter or know someone who is? Share this with them and let’s open up a conversation about balancing responsibilities and individuality.