Welcome to your college years! At college, you discover who you are as a person, including your friends, your future and your opinions on topics. But what if the topic isn’t so crystal clear?
One of the biggest topics being discussed right now is sexual harassment; mainly, what constitutes as consent and what does not. After that pathetic excuse for a human being, Harvey Weinstein, was dragged through the mud by various actresses and women who accused him of sexual harassment and sexual assault, the #MeToo movement really began to take shape in the public eye, dragging down names like Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer, and my personal favorite, Larry Nassar, who was convicted and sentenced to between 40-125 years in prison for sexually abusing over 200 girls in his career, including while he was working with the Olympic gymnastics team.
What these men have in common is that they did not get consent for a lot of the activities that they were involved in. However, I was talking to my cousin one day, and she told me a story about her roommate (in this scenario, we’ll call her Lucy) who went on a date with this guy (that we’ll name Bob) that she felt was really sweet and nice. The date went well, she went back with him to his dorm and hung out, and everything was fine. And then they started to make out, and Bob got handsy and asked for a blowjob. Lucy was not comfortable with the request, as she was a virgin and she had never been in that situation before. She didn’t want to do it, she hesitated, but she didn’t say anything and went ahead and gave it to him anyway. She eventually left traumatized, upset and hurt, and went through all of the symptoms that a typical rape victim would go through: regret, shame and embarrassment, among others.
Lucy eventually went and reported Bob for rape. When he was apprehended, he was shocked. He claimed that Lucy didn’t say or indicate in any way that she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to do it. Therefore, he assumed that she was okay with it. That statement got me thinking: Should Lucy have given a verbal no? I thought so. But should Bob have been more perceptive and looked at the signs to make sure that she was really comfortable and gotten a verbal consent? I think so as well. So I decided to ask my classmates and friends and get their opinions on what they thought about the situation.
There were people that I spoke to who said that Bob needed to get verbal consent. I spoke to a senior, Larry who said that “no matter what, a woman still has to give verbal consent. A man should always ask, and he should get a yes or no before he proceeds. And a guy needs to be more perceptive in detecting if someone is okay with it or not. He shouldn’t have just assumed that she was okay with it.” Another senior, Obi, piggy-backed on that answer, saying that “it wasn’t his intention to hurt her, but he was being careless. If she hesitated, it’s a no.” He continued on to say that “it seemed that he just wanted his wants and not hers.” One of the boys on my dorm floor said that “he needed a definite answer.”
On the flip side, there were others who felt like Lucy should have said something. I interviewed two of my best friends, who both agreed that she should have 100% said something to him. One of them said that “she should have said no if she didn’t want to do it, and she also should have talked to him instead of reporting him right away, because it didn’t seem that he intended to harm her. If she found out that was his intention, then she should have gone ahead.” A couple of girls on my dorm floor agreed. “He wasn’t forcing her into anything, and he’s not a mind-reader.” The same girl went on to say something that I thought was interesting: she said “a lot of people end up in situations where they are pressured into something because if they didn’t, they would be thought of as not cool, but they still don’t have to do it.” She also pointed out that “maybe she wanted to just hang out with the guy, but not have sex with him, and may have given the wrong message.” My R.A. Vic thought that Bob was correct in asking questions, saying that “verbally asking for consent is an awkward situation, and there are natural ways to give consent, assuming that they’re not intoxicated.” Which to me, probably explained why Bob thought she was okay with the situation, as Lucy went ahead and proceeded with the action. The same guy that I interviewed on my floor also agreed, seeing both sides. “She should have said something” was his simple answer.
One thing that everyone could agree on when I interviewed them was how gray the line of sexual consent is. As much as we think that consent is black and white, you’d be surprised to find that it’s not as clear-cut. “The answer no is black and white,” Vic stated. “More communication will make it more black and white. There needed to be a clear connection.” The freshman on my floor said that “men are typically viewed with a masculine image, but now it’s okay for them to open up a little more.” Obi the senior agreed by stating that “if there’s communication, there’s no gray idea. There needs to be communication, to make your partner comfortable, and listen to them.” Referring to the latest news, my roommate told me that “these days, you need to be sure and be more inquisitive about it so you don’t get in trouble. This is something that is not common sense.”
To me, sexual consent has been taught to me as a “clear, verbal, sober yes or no.” So, it fascinates me that the gray area is still there. As young adults, we have a voice to give or not give consent, and we really should not shy away from using it. Besides people who don’t know how to take no for an answer (NO MEANS NO!!), there is still so much that needs to be established. In my opinion, I wish that Lucy had said no because she had the opportunity to, didn’t take it and ended up feeling like something was taken away from her. At the same time, I think that Bob should have been more perceptive, made sure she was comfortable, and have gotten that verbal consent so he did not end up in the trouble that he got into. In the end, consent may be awkward at first, but all you need is three seconds of it, and it will save both parties so much trouble in the future. Plus, sex is great, but consent before it is even better.
But what do you think? Do you think there’s a gray area in consent? How could this situation have been handled better, and, maybe, what would YOU have done? Should both parties, guys and girls, constantly ask for consent during any and all stages of a hookup? Deep think questions…