‘Consent’ is one little word that simply means permission. While it’s meaning is simple, the way in which we communicate consent is often quite complicated.
When you consent to something, you are agreeing to terms. It is a promise, a contract even, but when engaging in a sexual act there is no physical contract. More often than not there is no verbal communication at all because the reality is most people do not come out and ask in the heat of the moment “just to be clear, do I have permission to have sex with you?”
That’s not to say that consent can be assumed, which is where the grey area lyes. If someone never asks permission how can permission be given? Noeline Blackwell spokesperson for the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC) said following the Belfast rape trial that ‘The case highlighted what is rape: sex without consent. It also highlighted the need for all those engaged in sexual activity to ensure that their partner is consenting’.
According to the DRCC, there are many indirect ways to communicate this that will protect both parties in the situation. ‘Are you ok with this? Do you want to slow down? Are you happy to keep going? Are you sure?’ These are all ways you can insure that what is about to happen is something that the other person wants to do. This applies to both men and women. The lines are blurry and it can be difficult to know exactly what is and what is not classified as someone wanting or not wanting essentially want you want, which can be both confusing and in this day and age, frightening.
There are however clear signs that someone is not on the same page. If someone is struggling and saying ‘stop’ then stop. If the person is not responding with any enthusiasm or is frozen, stop. Many survivors of rape have said they felt paralyzed with the fear and devastation of what was happening, they couldn’t and didn’t scream. If someone falls asleep or looks like they are about to fall asleep, stop. If someone is asleep to begin with, do not begin.
If he or she is acting in any way that suggests that they are not interested, pick up on this. Being pressured into a sexual act may not be classified as rape, but it is not right either. Sex is not a mobile plan package, no one should convince you into such a contract no matter how convincing, or how good of a ‘salesperson’ they might be. Consent means for the most part, there shouldn’t be too much convincing.
In light of recent events, the question of what exactly classifies as consent is one that is on the minds of many. It’s difficult to prove whether something was consensual or not, because these contracts were nonverbal and the communication is minimal. So I’ll leave you with this; the next time you find yourself in a situation where you are consenting to sex and accepting someone else’s consent remember to be mindful, be communicative and be considerate of everyone involved no matter your gender, and no matter how ‘in the moment’ you are.
Photo by Jake Davies on Unsplash