Aries: March 21 – April 19
Surprises are on the horizon! Unbeknownst to most, tiny elf-like energy orbs have recently invaded Earth. And they’re friendly, especially to Aries folks like yourself. If you begin to discover small trinkets around your dorm, never fear—it’s the orbs. If you unexpectedly ace a test, orbs have been at work. And if you suddenly find love? You guessed it—orbs.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
As they say, if you mess with the bull you get the horns. You’ve lived your life like this, especially when it comes to things you deeply care about. So why are you holding back your powerful aggression on the issue that’s very near and dear to your heart this week? The planet Mars is sending a spurt of energy your way soon. Take advantage of it and show the world who’s boss. You may even get some free candy out of it.
Gemini: May 21 — June 20
Life’s been a whirlwind lately, especially when it comes to your love life. And though you deny it, you love the drama. Of course, the stuff of movies can’t last forever. An earthquake on Uranus is sending a wave of relaxation across the universe. Prepare for smooth sailing and try not to get bored. Also, be on the lookout for some excess cash flowing your way! No gold-digging necessary.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Look, there’s no denying it. Money has been tight lately, thus your stomach has been grumbling up a storm. This is due to the allignment of Neptune, the planet of hunger. Starve no more—later this month, CVS will be having a sale on cereal speficially for moon-children like youself.
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
You’ve worked hard to hide some aspects of your past, but this semester, your web of lies is unraveling. This may be daunting for you to hear, but thanks to Mercury, the planet of distance, you’re going to be fine! The ultimate confrontation with days bygone will take place in a movie theatre within the coming month, and you’ll handle it splendidly. Just remember the Force: it is with you.
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Due to Draco, the constellation of betrayal, it appears that a lot of your friends have been crossing you lately. Understandably, this has affected your mood, which has affected their moods, which has, in turn, affected your mood. It’s a vicious cycle, but it will come to an end on none other than Thanksgiving Day. Your pals will return to their usual carefree and appreciative selves, and the sweet potato casserole will be delicious.
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You’ve been feeling anxious about a certain someone lately. Never fear, the plant Venus is bringing you a sense of certainty within the week. As long as you continue to focus on yourself, answers (and maybe a lover) will come to you. So kick back, relax, and crank up your favorite Shakira album. You’ve got this.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Hi there, just had to consult with the stars twice because what is coming for you in the coming weeks is almost statistically impossible. Just as the hashtag dictates, you will have #NoBadDays for the rest of 2015. You heard it here first, no bad days! Great friendships, romance, schoolwork, family relations, the works. Can we just say, #blesséd?
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
One word: relax. Finals? Forget ‘em. Drama with friends? Lose the friends. Okay, that may be taking it a bit far, but one thing is for sure: the planet Pluto is sending some serious chill vibes your way. So take a nap and finish up the first season of Jane the Virgin. You’ve earned it! Besides, the best thing stress can do for anyone is give them a pimple strategically placed to look like a beauty mark.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
According to the allignment of Jupiter, the planet of confidence, you’ve been feeling low lately. The best thing about a lack of confidence? It can only go up from there! And according to a local shooting star, it will be skyrocketing very soon. You’ll be making moves, making deals, and aceing life. Just dance in your room alone to a hip disco beat to restore that self-assured person we all know you to be.
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Due to the overactive Saturn, everyone seems to be having an Autumn fling lately. You were following the trend, but lately things have been feeling a little more serious lately. This is no mistake. The person who’s been consuming your thoughts as of late will shape up to be much more than a fleeting lover. They could be the great romance of your life, they could be your ultimate enemy. One thing’s for sure, they will shape the course of your life as the stars know it. In the words of Mad Eye Moody: Constant Vigilance!
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
After the anxiety that add/drop brought you, you deserve a break. Add a little party to your life and drop the bass! When your stressed-out peers see you letting loose, they’ll follow in suit and your crew will be the life of the party. Of course, as the founder of festivity, you’ll get all the perks of partying. Pop in a breathmint—Neptune, the planet of fresh breath, is sending one steamy DFMO your way.
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