Confession time! Despite my obvious ability to drift seamlessly through social situations by making really awful puns, talking unpopular politics, and revealing deeply personal anecdotes to total strangers, I am actually not that good at navigating my way through Patterson Court unencumbered by my debilitating social awkwardness.
Nobody told me that you aren’t supposed to drink out of the cups arranged in a triangle (apparently those are for “beer pong”) or that you aren’t suppose to question out loud if the song “Closer” by The Chainsmokers really needs to be played for the fifth time in the last hour.
The point is that I’m never quite sure how to act down the hill. No one ever exactly tells you what the proper etiquette is to get “turnt.” Since I normally don’t drink, I can’t rely on drinking to quell my awkward tendencies. I usually end the night sitting alone somewhere eating really oily pizza, having lost my friends in the sea of writhing, horny, hormonal bodies.
But I’m young, and damn it all, I’d like to have carefree fun. Davidson is stressful. I’d like a little stress relief, and yet, going down the hill is often the most stressful part of my week (well that, and when I have to Usain Bolt sprint to make it to my 8:30).
So after a bit of trial and error last weekend, I’ve come up with some tips for those awkward gals out there. Those girls who’d probably rather be binge-watching Buffy or playing Mario Kart. This one goes out to y’all.
The Exit Buddy:
To quote Crush from Finding Nemo, locate an “exit buddy.” An exit buddy is a friend you can cling to when you inevitably get really sick and tired of getting Keystone Lite spilled on you by red-faced, jolly frat bros. If anything, you should go with a little group of friends that can help buffer you from the truly dazed and confused legions, while also making you look like not a total loser standing alone in a corner. If you do drink, an exit buddy can also make sure you aren’t left alone.
Wardrobe Essentials:
Since you’re probably already super uncomfortable socially, don’t add to your discomfort by wearing uncomfortable clothes. Maybe opt out of heels your first go around, and make sure that you aren’t too cold or too hot. I’ve straight up seen people wearing sweatpants, so really anything goes. However, if you’re most comfortable and most yourself when you wear 6-inch stilettos and a bikini, then dammit you go girl.
Conversation Starters:
Now this is where most socially awkward people get lost. You don’t have to worry about making an idiot out of yourself. Everyone is slightly drunk, and they’ll likely not remember you saying something weird about how you think “Obama is such a DILF.” Just keep your conversations simple. Introduce yourself, smile (even if you’re inwardly dying), and ask leading questions. Crack a joke if you need to (try to avoid weird Virginia Woolf knock knock jokes. Those don’t always land that well). Just don’t try to go in too deep. Parties like these aren’t where you necessarily meet your soulmate or a life long friend. They’re for meaningless socializing, bonding, and getting wasted. No one wants to talk to you about your inability to find good parking or how you did poorly on your review, etc. Keep it light.
Know When To Leave:
Ok so sometimes F gets pretty lame. Sometimes nothing is going on. Sometimes people are just in a “let’s drink like we’re dying” mood, and there is no amount of clever ice-breaking that is going to make it easier for you to talk to the truly far gone inebriates. Also, like my mother says, nothing good happens after midnight. That being said, most things don’t really get started until after midnight. But the sentiment is still true; know when things are getting stupid and it’s time to bounce.
Chill Out About It:
You’re going to be FINE. No one is really looking at you. Most people are too busy shoveling beer and Mountain Dew into their mouths trying to forget their own shitty weeks to notice that you’re a little less than socially perfect. So take a deep breath, get a good group of friends together, and make the down the hill journey armed with the knowledge that as long as you don’t drink the punch, you’ll be 100% A-Ok.
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