It’s a situation we’ve all been in at least once: you’re trudging through the Union Café the morning after a wild night out, and you’re trying to figure out what food your fragile, brutalized stomach can handle. Solid snacks are out of the question, but a simple Nantucket won’t do. “Why not treat myself?,” you think, “why not splurge $3.29 in Dining Dollars for a Naked Smoothie?.” Your mind made up, you head to the shrine of Naked Smoothies in the Café corner. In front of you is a veritable rainbow of redemption, a spectrum of saviors. Standing tall like an army of nutrition-packed soldiers are 25 Naked smoothie options. They are back-lit by a sort of heavenly fluorescence, each flavor looking more tempting than the last. Your precious, throbbing brain can’t take it anymore–which potion do you pick???
Sound like you? If so, you’re in luck. Her Campus Davidson has sampled each and every Naked smoothie so you don’t have to worry your anxious and hungover mind next Saturday/Sunday morning. Now presenting: The 1st Annual Naked Smoothie Comprehensive Review!
The Classics
Sometimes, you’re not in the mood for an experiment. Sometimes you just want a good, old-fashioned refreshment. Sometimes you just want to not think or read entire articles about what smoothie to drink. In times like those, the Classics Collection, filled to the brim with lovable favorites like oranges, berries, and happiness, is for you.
Strawberry Banana – Have you ever seen that scene from Ratatouille, in which Remy asserts that some flavors simply taste better when they’re together? He must have been referencing this classic flavor. While the pair is a bit muddled with hints of apple and orange, no one can deny that strawberry and banana are a match made in heaven.
Pomegranate Blueberry – If strawberry and banana are the Monica and Chandler of fruit couples, pomegranate and blueberry are the Rachel and Ross. They clearly like each other, but sometimes their bond is a little sickening. Something about the 68 grapes in this drink makes for a sort of overpowering sweetness. That being said, if you like pomegranate seeds as much as Persephone did, this drink is for you.
Berry Blast – What’s your favorite kind of berry? Oh wait—it doesn’t matter, because with blackberries, raspberries, and strawberries, Berry Blast has probably got you covered in this delicious blend of sweetness that keeps coming.
Double Berry – Here, the reviewers would like to use a moment to take issue with the marketing of this pleasant, though predictable smoothie. Double? Because last we checked, two kinds of berries was less than three, which its cousin smoothie, Berry Blast contains. And on that subject—berry? Because last we checked, apples and bananas weren’t accepted into that highly selective fruit category. Double Berry, though delicious, proves to show that you can’t always judge a book by its cover, or a smoothie by its label.
O-J – In the world of orange juice, there are two clans: the thin, bitter OJ of continental breakfasts at a Days Inn, and the sweet, rewarding OJ squeezed freshly from Florida Groves. In this spectrum, Naked O-J falls around the latter group. But at 3.29 for 15.2 ounces, you might be better off planting your own tree.
The Mean Machines
Inspired by Iris, the goddess of rainbows, the Machine Collection is composed of ingredients selected and separated based on the color of their peel. While it may not make sense to blend fruits based on appearance and not taste, Naked uses their mixing magic to make it work.
Red Machine – A conglomeration of warm-colored fruits like apples, cranberries, and red grapes, each sip of this smoothie is distinctly sweet and berry-based.
Power C Machine – Ever had orange juice? The Power C is like that, but with a powerful mango vibe. That being said, it’s the subtle guava that gives this a bit of an extra kick. Recommended 10/10 for anyone battling a cold during Davidson’s long winter month.
Blue Machine – The Blue Machine claims to contain 27 blueberries, and boy do we believe that. It’s like a blueberry pie, minus the crust and whipped cream. Each sip has a bit of a zip, flirting between bitter and refreshing.
Green Machine – “Looks weird, tastes amazing” boasts the Green Machine on its packaging. And you know what? They’re right on both accounts. Drinking this makes one feel like they could live forever. Each sip could be likened to the elixir of life. You feel healthy; you feel satisfied. It’s a win/win. One surprised customer rated it “not even gross!”
The Mango Majesty
Naked Smoothies, despite their tendency to put bananas in practically everything they devise, seem to hold one fruit in much higher esteem than the rest. Mango, Golden Boy of Naked if you will, is the inspiration for not one, not two, but three popular flavors. And not undeserved—all it takes is anyone with a functional tongue to see why this tropical fruit reigns king.
Mighty Mango – Essentially Naked’s poster child, this smoothie has everything: great taste, wild personality, and charming good looks. Between its flavor and its reputation, there are all sorts of good reasons why this particular smoothie has 594 (and counting!) likes on Facebook. If you’ve never had a Naked smoothie, this is the one to begin with.
Orange Mango – The orange dilutes the mango juice that we all know and love, but this is the understandable option for those lovers of Mighty Mango who have come down with a cold, or perhaps scurvy.
Probiotic Machine Tropical Mango – Probiotics are notorious for their mystical ability to fight off bacterial and fungal infections before they have the chance to settle in. If you’re a smoothie lover who is prone to yeast infections and loves to feel as though you are basking on the sands of a tropical island, this is the drink for you.
Pumped with Protein
The question “do you lift?” seems to confront today’s youth at every corner. Our society seems to have recently become infatuated with arbitrary measures of health and wellness. But with Naked’s protein-packed smoothie collection, you don’t have to hit the gym to join the trend. With 16 grams of protein per drink, you can feel no qualms about your fitness after ingesting one of these babies. Next time someone asks if you lift, feel free to confidently retort: “Yeah. I lift Naked.”
Protein Zone – Naked asserts that the Protein Zone smoothie will make you feel as though “you are lying on an exotic sun-washed beach.” While this is true, it will also make you feel as though a bit of sand from that beautiful exotic sun-washed beach has made its way into your drink. The whey and soy protein gives a bit of a grainy texture to this otherwise delicious smoothie.
Protein Banana Chocolate – This drink also has the unfortunate grainy texture that seems to afflict all Naked smoothies of the protein variety. However, due to its chocolaty flavor, it almost tastes like a malt milkshake if you chill it a little and lower your expectations for a milkshake.
Protein and Green – Again, we encounter the graininess that some Naked patrons have described as “dusty.” That being said, no one is expecting a culinary delight from a drink called “protein and green.” Overall, it exceeds expectations. Think Green Machine, but with the added benefit of feeling even more healthy.
Health is Fun Now!
Eating your vegetables was always your least-favorite chore. And who can blame you, when the word “vegetable” once meant a limp carrot gasping on your plate, or a lonely pea invading your white rice and ruining your whole appetite. But with Naked’s assortment of veggie juice, “vegetable” now means intricate blends of nutrition masked with sweetened, delicious, natural flavoring. What’s that? Vegetables? Delicious? It’s time to make your mama proud.
Berry Veggie – A veggie juice for the rookie, Berry Veggie is filled with ingredients like chickpeas, purple carrots, and other things you never even knew existed. Luckily, a blend of berries masks whatever demonic taste the healthy food is trying to unleash upon you, making it a party for both your body and your brain!
Orange Carrot – Eh, what’s up doc? Nothing much, just sipping on a delicious Orange Carrot smoothie. The first thing that hits you here is the (surprise) carrot. Push through the funky-fresh flavor of it and you’ll be rewarded with an interesting and mysterious piña colada-like aftertaste. Good for both your eyesight and your bunny!
Bright Beets – Bright Beets claims to be 100% “deep, purple goodness,” but it could also be likened to 100% “deep, sweet dirt.” Beets, and thus their liquidized smoothie counterpart, taste notoriously like soil. Though it sounds bad, consider this: soil is chock-full of nutritious value. And worms love it! Perhaps a better slogan would be “recommended by 10/10 earthworms.” In a good way.
Kale Blazer – If you’ve made it this far in the article, you know us enough to know that we are great lovers of the Naked Smoothie kingdom. That being said, this is a fair and comprehensive smoothie review. Thus, due diligence must be paid: The Kale Blazer is the most disappointing smoothie that has been produced by Naked, usually so skilled at throwing a banana in there to make even the most vile of flavors bearable. This isn’t entirely unexpected, as this drink is quite literally a bunch of crushed up vegetables. So if that’s your thing, go for it. But you could probably go outside and munch on grass for a cheaper, tastier experience.
Et. Cetera
Naked is one of the most innovative players in the world of modern-day prepackaged refreshments. Thus, not all of their drinks can be placed into categories. Some, like Sea Greens, are simply too fringe to be likened to anything else. Others, like Pineapple Mango with Coconut Water are far too specific to pin down. Nevertheless, all are expanding the boundaries of smoothies as we know them.
Chia Cherry Lime – Chia, chia chia. What are we to do with you? As one reviewer put it, “chia seeds are only good on chia pets.” The seeds add a sort of hard, pulpy texture to each drink they inhabit. This harkens back to the ever-controversial protein smoothies, and as chia seeds are packed with protein, it’s hard to see the benefit of a chia collection when the protein factor has already been covered. Between chia, cherry, lime, and plum, this smoothie seems to be doing too much. It tends to confuse the taste buds rather than delight them.
Chia Sweet Peach – Again with the chia issue, but this smoothie is considerably simpler, which makes it easier to look past the seeds and attend the flavor. The peach, mango, and orange all work together to overpower the seeds and surround them with the familiar sweetness we’ve all come to expect from Naked smoothies.
Peachy Almond – This smoothie is a tough nut to crack—it’s thicker than most Naked smoothies, and the sweetness of the peach makes it taste almost syrupy. But it makes up for this with its nutty aftertaste, leaving one feeling healthy and wishing for some real candied nuts.
Berry Almond – The first phrase that comes to mind after a sip of Berry Almond is “gummy worm.” It’s thick just like its cousin Peachy Almond, but the conglomerate of berries makes it just a little too sweet to bear. Of course, if you can’t decide between Trolli’s and a smoothie, this may just be the perfect choice for you!
Pineapple Mango with Coconut Water – Remember when Naked described Protein Zone as like lying on an exotic sun-washed beach? When they said that, they were really talking about Pineapple Mango with Coconut Water. Just add some rum, a paper umbrella, and a Jimmy Buffet song and you’ve bought yourself a bottled vacation!
Peach Guava with Coconut Water – Similar to its coconut water cousin, but with the infused exotic flavor of guava. If you’ve never had a plain guava fruit for yourself, after tasting this tasty drink you may be tempted to hit up your local farmer’s market and find one.
Sea Greens – This smoothie marks how innovative Naked truly is. With ingredients like passion fruit, celery (?), dulse (??), and spirulina (???), Sea Greens seems to be the spearhead product for a new wave of smoothies. And surprisingly, it’s not repulsive! While it doesn’t exactly convince you that everything’s better down where it’s wetter, it doesn’t taste like a mouthful of ocean water either! The apples in the smoothie are really what save the day here, though we were hard-pressed to find an apple tree under the sea.
So there you have it: the comprehensive review of Davidson’s extensive collection of Naked smoothies.
*Please note: the reviews above are not facts, but rather well-informed opinions based on extensive taste-testing and nearly $100 in smoothie purchases. Nor are the opinions those of the entirety of Her Campus Davidson, just its two resident Naked smoothie aficionados.
If you are interested in writing an article for Her Campus Davidson, contact us at davidson@hercampus.com or come to our weekly meeting Tuesday at 8pm in the Morcott Room.