An Irreverent Ranking of the Avengers

I'm so tired of hearing other people's WRONG OPINIONS about who the coolest Avenger is.

I'm also tired of trying to sound smart while saying stupid things and trying to sound respectful when I have no respect. So I'm just gonna lay it out for you. Irreverently. And just to up the irreverent-ness of this ranking, I'm going to visually present it to you by using weird fan art. Because I can.

This is probably how the Avengers would react if they saw my ranking! But I'm here to set the record straight. Because no one else seems to get it.

Disclaimer: I'm not in the fandom. I don't really know what I'm talking about. And because I'm uninformed, I'm not all that qualified to speak definitively on this issue. But a lack of legitimate information doesn't stop most Trump supporters from voicing their misguided opinions, so I said, "what the hell," I'm doing this. Hey, at least I've seen all the movies.


10) Hawkeye: He's so forgettable I had to look up his name.

The bow and arrow combo makes kind of a cool weapon, though.

9) Black Widow: The only reason she's an Avenger is sex appeal. Fight me.

The fan art proves it. Either this girl had some serious plastic surgery, or her right boob is a medium-sized kickball. Also, Scarlett Johansson totally gets on my nerves. Probably because my boyfriend is in love with her. Grrrrr.

8) Thor: He just really irritates me.

Why is this a ship? Aren't Thor and Loki brothers? Isn't this incest? No, DeviantArt. No.

Anyway, I like watching Thor hit things with his hammer better than I like watching Black Widow fight in her super-tight, body-con, black supersuit, so I put him higher than Ms. Sex Appeal Spider-lady. 

7) Young Spidey: Kind of whiny. At least he's better than Andrew Garfield.

This piece of fan art is entitled "Poor Spider-Man Doesn't Get to Play with the Avengers." Accurate.

6) Wanda, the Scarlet Witch: She uses the force.

And Vision falls in love with her. But do I like them together? No!  Apparently, in the comics, this relationship goes terribly wrong when they have kids together. Makes sense. Vision is part robot.

Hot take: Just because they have a touching scene together and they both like the color red does not mean you should ship them!

 Anyway, I kind of like Wanda because of the time Elizabeth Olsen was on Late Night With Seth Meyers and she explained what it was like filming her fight scenes. Too funny.


5) Captain America: He's a good boy.

This picture is funny because a) Steve is using his shield as an impromptu umbrella and b) the guy he's protecting from the rain is supposed to be Tony Stark. Yikes. But yes, as you can see, Cap is very altruistic (although often very predictable.) At least his backstory is cool. To be honest, Agent Carter gave him half the awesomeness points that led me to put Cap at #6. Quick plug: the How it Should Have Ended video for the first Captain America movie is hilarious. Start at 1:52 to hear Superman and Batman totally roasting Cap with a parody of his theme song.

4) Hulk: I mean, he IS incredible.

I'm sorry, but I had to include a few of the images from the spectacular imgur gallery "The Incredible Hulk Taking A Shit." Now that THAT'S taken care of, may I say that Mark Ruffalo is the and Hulk is such an underappreciated Avenger.

3) Vision: There's a precious jewel embedded his forehead. It's pretty glam.

Yeah, Vision is definitely the most God-like Avenger, besides Thor (who doesn't really count because he's annoying). I wanted to call him a cyborg, but apparently, he's a confident, wise, and empathetic "synthezoid."  

Vision's powers in the comics include: density control (meaning he can fly, "phase" through solid objects, or put the power of a semi truck behind a punch if he wants to); shapeshift and manipulate a wide range of technology to his needs; regenerate and repair himself; superhuman agility, intelligence, strength, and speed; and project solar radiation out of that shining crystal on his forehead.

Awesome. Okay, I'll confess: I googled it. Yeah, that did not come from the top of my head. That little bit where I explained the powers Vision has was actually a direct quote from an Esquire Article. So, yeah, I guess you can no longer call me uninformed. I did my research.

2) Dr. Strange: I know, not an Avenger. But cooler than 5/6 actual Avengers.

Is it just me, or does he kind of remind you of Jafar from Aladdin? Hmmmmm.

Back to Dr. Strange. Oh, Benedict Cucumberpatch!!!! You never fail to make me smile. Yep, Dr. Strange is my new favorite Marvel movie. Okay, make that my favorite superhero film in general! I'm sorry, but DC was never even on the map. Especially not Suicide Squad. What a terrible, terrible movie. I'd give it a C+. And that's being generous.

1) Iron Man: You Kind of Wish You Were Him (but you also kind of don't).

I know, this fan art isn't that weird; it's actually kind of awesome. But so is Robert Downey Jr. in this role. So snarky. So rich. So arrogant. And did you guys realize his ship name with Pepper Potts is PEPPERONY?!?!? Well, I'll take a pizza that. The Tony Stark piece of that. Haha. Sometimes I can't help myself.


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