Ah, Spring Frolics. Debauchery has never looked so good in a frat tank. In the coming weekend, you’ll see your friends in all sorts of states and may be at a loss for how to describe them. With so many euphemisms for drunkenness, it’s nearly impossible to know what phrase to use and when. For your convenience, here’s a handy guide to the drunkenness spectrum and what each descriptor implies:
Sober: Subject has not imbibed any alcohol. Everyone trusts her to drive (unless she’s just a bad driver, which can’t be helped by sobriety).
Socially lubricated: Subject has had one drink and doesn’t feel any different, but including her crush in that mass Snapchat suddenly seems slightly less risky. People are already questioning her ability to drive.
Buzzed: Subject has had a few drinks at this point (or just finished his first drink, if he’s a lightweight). Giggles increase. Subject could still walk a straight line if he needed to. He doesn’t drive.
Tipsy: Subject is what I also call “in a good place.” She’s probably given out a fair share of hugs and sent a few casual Snapchats because she’s so proud of how much fun she’s having.
Inebriated: Speaker is somewhat pretentious and finds his vast vocabulary far superior to the rest of his drunken compatriots. He’s probably drinking craft beer or really expensive scotch.
Above 0.08: Subject is legit now. Congratulations.
Intoxicated: Still legit.
Drunk: Subject makes a public announcement that she is, in fact, drunk… even though everyone around her probably could have guessed.
Turnt: Subject is on his feet, one hand fist pumping to the beat of whatever music is playing and the other changing the song to “Turn Down for What” in hopes of getting the room to erupt in euphoric cheers and more fist pumping. Subject is likely the life of the party; speaker is likely referencing pop culture ironically.
Crunk: Speaker is definitely referencing pop culture ironically.
Slizzard: Speaker is attempting to reference pop culture ironically but missed the memo that it’s no longer 2010.
Sloshed: Subject has become what some would call “sloppy” and has probably spilled at least a portion of a drink.
Killin’ it: Subject is in her own world. He demonstrates awareness of what is going on around him, but shows no regard for it. He has probably run in circles a few times.
Loaded / tanked / plastered / hammered / smashed / wasted: Subject may be slightly belligerent without realizing how drunk she has become. She has probably sent a few text messages that she will regret in the morning and accidentally knocked over and broken a lamp – or worse, a full bottle of Captain Morgan.
Schwasted: Same as above, but subject is describing herself through slurred speech.
Obliterated: Subject has boarded the struggle bus. He’s definitely sent a few regrettable texts and/or Snapchats and may find coherent communication a challenge.
Gone: Subject has begun exhibiting unique, idiosyncratic drunken tendencies, such as compulsive spitting or angry verbal attacks on people who call carbonated beverages “soda” instead of “pop.” She’s had a blast, and now her friends are tucking her into bed for the night. Subject: 0, Frolics: 3.
*HC Davidson abides by college policy and does not endorse underage alcohol consumption.