Some call it Second Christmas. Others find the day too sacred to demean with a title. Universally, it is known as Opening Day. The 2014 Major League Baseball season officially kicked off on March 31, and fans everywhere delighted in this annual fresh start. Opening Day is, for many sports fans, the most hopeful day of the Gregorian calendar. Your team is undefeated! There’s nothing stopping you from earnestly saying, “This is our year! And I know I said that last year, and the year before that, and for the past twenty years, but THIS IS IT. I BELIEVE.” Now it’s a week or so into the season, your team has probably lost at least a game or two (or six), and that glorious hope that lit your life a week ago may have started to fade. To keep the spirit alive, practice these little ways to celebrate baseball all season long:
1. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. Just kidding, I’m an adult. I can buy my own snacks. You can keep the peanuts and Cracker Jacks. Out of curiosity though, what’s the prize in the Cracker Jacks box? A Spider-man tattoo? Ooh, yeah, I want that. Gimme.
2. Don a baseball cap. Proudly proclaim your team pride while simultaneously hiding the fact that you haven’t washed your hair in three days.
3. Watch Major League. I award this film an extra star for depicting the Cleveland Indians winning. In total, that’s one out of five stars – two thumbs down; would not recommend. On the plus side, this movie is so bad, it makes your team look good! (So what I’m really telling you is to watch Moneyball because that’s actually a fabulous baseball movie.)
4. Participate in the 7th inning stretch. Halfway through class or work, stand up, do some yoga poses, and belt out a song of your choosing. I can’t guarantee the crowd will join you, but it’s worth a shot.
5. Play umpire. Every time someone says something you don’t agree with or think is silly, count it as a strike. When he gets to three, yell “YOU’RE OUT,” shove him aside, and enjoy your little sports-official power trip.
6. Eat a hot dog. Or, better yet, sit out in the sun and take a picture of your legs. Then submit said picture to http://hot-dog-legs.tumblr.com.
7. Chew tobacco. Alternatively, you can chew sunflower seeds or gum if you’re not gross and want people not to resent your presence.
8. Pick a walk-up song. Players for the home team stroll up to the plate with the majesty of song announcing their presence. Why shouldn’t you? Every time you enter a room, pull out your phone or iPod and blast “The Final Countdown” or the Game of Thrones intro so everyone knows just how badass you are. And if you’re more of a “Skinny Love” person, that’s okay, too, I guess.
9. Blame every injustice on the Yankees’ payroll. You lost the housing lottery, your formal date puked on you, and now it’s baked potato bar in the du jour line again?! CURSE YOU, STEINBRENNERS, FOR RUINING THE LIVES OF THE PLEBEIANS.
10. Put on a giant sausage costume and run. What better way to show your love for our national pastime than with anthropomorphized, ethnically diverse sausages?