I’ll never forget that time I was wearing a leather jacket and combat boots.
What it meant to walk past a group of men leaning against their truck.
laughing when I picked up my pace and walked faster.
Snickering because for all my bravado, the leather jacket, the boots…
I chose to run. Fight or flight, I chose to fly.
But was it a choice?
We live every day making decisions faster than one can blink in the moment
We aren’t all action heroes.
Because the truth is, most action heroes wouldn’t survive half the falls, car crashes, and dramatic poison-drinking that they do within the movies.
And I thought, with that voice in my head:
They’re laughing at you.
You’re showing weakness.
You should’ve yelled back. Threw a punch. Done SOMETHING.
But what was I supposed to do? What would’ve been better?
Or the time I heard yelling, walked into a hallway and saw palms slamming against walls, tall men with loud voices.
And, ashamed, I got scared. I told my friends “I can’t go back out there. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s… It’s…”
But what was I supposed to do? What would’ve been better? Was it weakness to tell someone else the problem when you’re paralyzed from fear, unable to do anything because you’re so much smaller. So much thinner and weaker.
Is being strong in what society calls “masculine” framework the way to go? Should I be throwing punches? Puffing out my chest and slowing my stride, inconveniencing others to show that I just don’t give a –.
Or can I be strong by making room for those who need it? Being kind when you get spit back in the face. Being kind in the face of anger and fear and hatred and disgust. Is that stronger? Is that stronger to tell the world, “I love you” instead of “f– you”?
Is it strength to pick my battles and hold my friend while they’re sobbing in the freezing snow? Is it strength to hold my mother’s hand when she says, “I’m scared and I’m tired.” Is that strength? Or is that not what the movies would call strong because it’s quiet, non-violent, not too bloody or loud or raucous?
If strength is found only bloodshed, then I don’t want to be strong.