Dolly Alderton says that “nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learned from my long term friendships with women” giving the perfect synopsis to her memoir, Everything I know about love. Alderton is a British author based in London, England. Through her stories, she shares her experiences with love, loss, and friendship. I first discovered Alderton through her memoir which soon became my favourite book. I was immediately enthralled with the experiences from this author’s life through her 20s – successes, experiences and failures, all of which are painfully relatable. She mentioned that she finds it impossible to write about anything other than love, and often, when we think of love, we are drawn to the romantic type. However, Alderton has changed my thinking completely. Through her writing, Alderton has shown that the truest love we can experience in our lives is through friendships with women.
“The love we have for each other stays the same, but the format, the tone, the regularity and the intimacy of our friendship will change forever.”
Alderton also wrote about the difficulty of growing with friends, seeing that things will inevitably change and evolve with time. This reality surfaced more clearly on a particular New Year’s Eve, when her best friend Farly first met her soon-to-be husband. Alderton grappled with the idea of sharing her best friend, causing her grief of a friend whom she hadn’t yet lost along with hatred for a man she barely knew. While it took time to finally be happy for her friend, this initial fear of loss shows how powerful her friendship is. This is when Alderton had to let go of the terms of her old relationship with Farly, to be able to grow with her friend instead of holding her back.
“I hadn’t ever thought that a man could love me in the same way that my friends love me; that I could love a man with the same commitment and care with which I love them. Maybe all this time I had been in a great marriage without even realizing.”
Alderton shows us that friends are truly the family that you get to choose. They’re the people who you choose to be around and who choose to be around you. Those who get to cheer you on at your highest and support you at your lowest. Having a best friend in high school was different. They were the person you sat beside in class or ate lunch with. But in your 20s, it’s not the same. In my opinion, having a best friend means calling eachother everyday to talk about what we did, what we ate, what we wore and every small detail we can think of. It is a combination of incredibly special moments that serve to bond one another, without losing sight of the fact that you are two different people with two different lives that don’t always flow seamlessly. But at the end of the day, it’s having someone every step of the way, always being the constant in your life while everything else is ever-changing.
Alderton found her constant in the form of her best friend, Farly. One story that I remember distinctly, was the death of Farly’s sister, Florence. Alderton had grown up with Farly. They had been by each other’s side throughout their lives, experiencing the highs and lows. For Alderton, to be by her best friend’s side, experiencing extreme grief and loss, was not an easy task. She had to learn how to support her and figure out what worked and what didn’t. To me, this was the moment that defined their friendship. Alderton chose to be by Farly’s side through every step of her grieving, not because she was obliged, but because she loved her friend and cared deeply for her as a human being.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Farly says to Dolly. “You can do long-term love. You’ve done it better than anyone I know.” “How?” responds Dolly. “My longest relationship was two years and that was over when I was twenty-four.” Farly replies,“I’m talking about you and me.”
For every failed romantic relationship, a strong female friendship remains, picking up the pieces and offering unconditional love and comfort. For Alderton, she did find love, because the love of her life is her best friend Farly. While her 20s were full of flings, romance and breakups, the person who she always found herself running back to was Farly. Farly was there for Alderton in the most trying of times. Like Alderton, I have realized that I want to fill my 20s with love for the people with whom I spend my best moments. I choose to be surrounded by those whom I can always count on – my female friendships.
“No matter what we lose, no matter how uncertain and unpredictable life gets, some people really do walk next to you forever.”