Healing is one of the most uncomfortable and confusing things that one can go through. It comes in waves. Some days all your worries feel as light as a feather and that thing that you went through a few months ago doesn’t even graze your mind. And yet other days, it’s all that you can think about and at the very center of all your thoughts and actions.
Sometimes when you tell others that you’re still not healed from that breakup that you went through months or even years ago, or maybe you didn’t even have the dating label but you’re still hung up on a person, they think: ‘oh here we go with this again…’ The truth is, as much as we want to heal and move past things, sometimes our subconscious selves won’t let us and we yearn for exactly what hurt us in the first place. In this article, I am going to hopefully give you some insight on why it’s so hard to heal. This is also a reassurance that if you have not yet healed from things that happened a long time ago, that it is okay and you are not alone. You will heal at your own speed; there is no timeline or magic solution. The kind of healing I discuss in this article does pertain to breakups, however this can also apply to any other bad situations or losses that you may have gone through.
One reason why I think it’s particularly hard to get over a breakup is that once it is over, we often look back on the relationship with rose coloured glasses – we see only the good memories and the happy times that we had with that person. It’s fine and completely normal to reminisce on all of the good memories that you had with a person! But, when you’re looking back on things and thinking to yourself why things didn’t work out, you have to remind yourself of the negatives too. Think about why things ended, either if it was through your faults or theirs, or mutually to blame. It can be so hard to admit that you or the person that you loved was in the wrong; but to begin healing, you have to see what went wrong, accept it, and try to learn from it for next time. Cherish the good, learn from the bad.
Healing has been made extra difficult for us in the age of social media. If you’re ever curious about what your ex has been up to recently, you can find out within seconds. This is harmful to your healing process because it can put false ideas in your head. You may think that life has been going so well for them now that you’re not in their life anymore. Why should they just be able to live their best life while you’re suffering? Just remember, social media is not real life; it’s a highlight reel. Despite how real and authentic as they may seem, people only post picture-perfect, curated fragments of their life. That new relationship your ex is flaunting online? Remind yourself that you don’t know the full story behind the relationship and what it’s actually like. As easy as it is to check what they’re up to, try your best not to. You’re just going to end up hurting your own feelings when you see or read something that you don’t want to hear. Out of sight, out of mind.
Sometimes when I think back on relationships or certain people who have come and gone in life, I wonder why these connections didn’t last as long as I wanted them to and why I still yearn for their presence. I read a quote one day that helped to shift my perspective a bit: “No one will ever overstay their welcome in your life”. I believe that people either come into your life to serve you as a lesson or a blessing. People will sometimes just come into your life to show you what love is not. Even if you really did love this person and thought the world of them and things still didn’t work out, they could have come into your life to show you what kind of love you should be looking for, and then be on their way. I know how much it can hurt. But just try to remind yourself that nothing ever truly meant for you will ever pass you by. It will always come back to you eventually if it is meant to be.
If anyone had a magical cure for healing immediately, I think that we would all be eager to find out the answer. Perhaps that is one of the beautiful things about healing. One day, you will wake up and things will feel okay. One day, in an unexplainable, peaceful way, you’ll realize that you no longer find it overtaking your thoughts and emotions. This has happened to me already for certain breakups and people, whereas for others, I’m still awaiting the day when I wake up and I no longer think about them. Your feelings are valid. No matter how long it’s been, no matter how long the relationship lasted, no matter how the other person treated you, the way that you feel is still completely valid. You will heal one day. Just let it run its course and allow yourself to feel all the emotions that you have to feel. Healing looks different for everyone, so be kind and patient with yourself as you go through this process.