December.
The month for reminiscing on the year past and making plans for the future.
Sitting across from my good friend Aidan, we talked for hours about moments from this past year that have made us who we are. Describing the moments that have now become some of our most cherished memories, the moments that have been great lessons, and all that we want this upcoming year.
Reflecting on the person I was when this year started and the person I am today, I’m happy to say that those are two very different people. December me has a sense of confidence, direction and optimism that January me did not.
I started off this year excited, yes, but totally unsure of what was to come. I’m not the greatest when it comes to change and that’s what the new year is all about – changing your habits, changing for the better.
New year, new you!
And I found it all so very daunting, just as I have done every January.
I started off the year in Ontario, in the comfort of my parent’s home. I started a new job that I quickly came to love. I had a pretty good routine. It became so comfortable so fast. And while I was content, I felt as though there had to be something more. I was doing the same thing everyday and I missed the various relationships in my life.
I made it a point to start trying something new every week – a new recipe, a new show, a new book, a new tool to organize my life, and connect with my friends even if it was just over text. And these little changes ended up meaning so much. They offered a sense of newness to each day.
I traveled back to Halifax at the end of February and maintained this new goal. I remember the week I got back, my roommate Lauren and I planned something new to do every evening for a week. It was so fulfilling doing this with her and I realized that I need to focus on new experiences and the people in my life.
Because what is life if not for trying new things with the people you love.
I remember the daily excitement that came with trying something new each day and stepping out of my comfort zone. Welcoming this lack of structure and type of discomfort was something I had never really experienced before – or at least not by my own will. I was built on routine. I thrived in structure and felt safe avoiding spontaneity. My aversion to change paired with my type A brain couldn’t really handle anything else. Planning was my love language, and stepping away from that created so much room for me to grow and explore something new.
This continued as I entered the month of March – planning coffee dates with new friends, reading and going on walks, buying myself flowers, spending quality time with my roommates, and nourishing my long distance relationships over two hour FaceTime calls. I learned to just focus on myself and the people in my life and it made me the happiest I’ve ever been.
2022 was the year that I began to embrace the new and in turn explored a new part of myself and all that I wanted to be.
By focusing on this, so much love entered my life.
I met so many wonderful people and fostered friendships that I know will be in my life forever. One thing that has been reaffirmed this year is that platonic love cannot be replaced. The coffee date catch ups, celebrating each other’s wins and proud moments, trying new bars and restaurants together, braiding one another’s hair or doing each other’s nails, having a shoulder to cry on or a person to listen to you rant without judgment. I have learnt so much from my friendships this year but the main lesson has been that no matter how busy you become or how far away you are from one another, if everything feels the same just as it did before, you know it’s for real. I am so very lucky to have friends in my life who love me for all that I am and in 2023 I hope to continue nourishing these relationships.
And with this I have re-fallen in love with my friends from high school. Watching them come into themselves has been so wonderful to see. I am lucky to have met and grown up with a previous version of them as well as experience all that they are now. There are moments where I know our sixteen year old selves would be so proud of who we are and all that we are doing. They know me for who I was and who I am now, and embracing that change is something I will forever be grateful for. The love of a friendship that has become familial is such a special bond.
I spent a lot of time away from my family this year. It was definitely hard, but it has allowed me to appreciate them so much more when I am with them. I’m so grateful to have a family that is always looking out for me, a place to call home that very much feels like home.
As I’ve grown this year, my relationship with my mom has grown as well – sharing stories of her past and her life before me has brought us so much closer. Her offering insight into all that she loves and has loved has taught me so much about who she is as a person. I am so much closer to her now, being able to share details about our experiences and womanhood with one another. A mother’s love is one that you can’t take for granted.
This is also the first year I have ever experienced romantic love. It is something that came so unexpectedly but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It’s the naive and innocent kind that feels easy and too good to be true. I constantly feel as though I am living out the rom-coms that I used to watch religiously as a pre-teen. It is a new kind of love that I am definitely still learning to navigate. There is something to be said about having someone in your life who is your favourite hello and hardest goodbye. This kind of love has taught me so much not only about how I love, but how I want to be loved. I have learned that love is wanting to spend everyday with someone and share every thought that comes into your head with them. It’s having a goofy smile on your face when they text you. It’s them being your first call when something exciting happens. It’s knowing that you are completely safe and secure when you are with them. I have truly learned so much about myself through this relationship, and I’m excited to see where 2023 takes us.
And lastly, I’ve fallen in love with myself through falling in love with the little things. I love the way I love and care for those around me. I love that I am creative and trying new things. I love that I collect things and words and pictures that make me feel happy or make me think. I love that I ask questions and am curious about others. I love my job and my hobbies and what I’m studying in school. I love going on coffee runs and never being able to finish it. I love wearing pieces of jewelry that I never take off. I love having a favourite mug and mismatched, thrifted plates.
I started this year feeling uncertain and unsure of who I was and where this year could go. And now I look back at it and feel so extremely grateful for everything that it has brought me. This year I became myself, unapologetically.
I wish I had met her sooner, but I’m really glad she’s here now.
2022 was my year of love – loving myself, loving those in my life and loving the uncertainty of love… and I am so grateful and excited to carry all this into 2023. <3