Breakups are always hard, and friend breakups always seem to hit differently. There is also a major difference in the way it affects you depending on the person, type of relationship, and how it ends. Ending things with a toxic person can be relieving, or scary. What if what they say is right and I am unlikeable? Who am I gonna have if I don’t have them? The length of the relationship also plays a big role, if it’s a long term relationship it might be difficult to end. It is always hard to suddenly not have someone who has been in your life for such a long time. The last important thing that plays a big role in how you react is how it ended. Was it a big blowout? Did you just grow apart? Even the easiest of breakups are still difficult, so I have gathered all of my tips to help you deal with a friend breakup, and how to decide when it is time to cut ties.
Reflecting on the Friendship
Just like in any relationship, it most likely wasn’t always bad. I think it is extremely important to remember all the good times you spent together. I’m sure you guys made a lot of memories together, good and bad. Of course, in the end, the bad ended up outshining the good, but the memories will never be forgotten. I will always remember the time me and my ex-best friend had a sleepover on the trampoline and a peacock jumped on me, or when I slipped and fell and she used paper and markers to transform her kitchen into a frozen yogurt shop and even stuck some Yoplait yogurts in the freezer in order to make me feel better. These are things I smile about every time they cross my mind. These moments are some of my favorites, even though I no longer talk to the person that helped me make those memories. Another important thing to address when reflecting is why the relationship ended. What were things the other person did that you didn’t like? What could you have done better? When were you the one in the wrong, and how was that addressed? Use this time to understand the other person’s side of the story. The relationship might be past the point of repair, but it is never too late to grow for the better.
Recognizing Toxic Traits
So there’s all this talk about toxicity; toxic friends, toxic behavior…but what exactly does that mean? To be short, it is when two people aren’t giving equal effort in a relationship. This can mean a one-sided relationship or one that leaves you feeling drained and upset. You could see this in friends who belittle you, don’t allow you to talk about your struggles, are always talking badly about others, or are constantly the source of drama. All of these things are extremely emotionally damaging. Constant belittling can leave you feeling small, worthless, unable to be yourself. Also, it is so incredibly important to be able to talk about your own struggles and hardships, and someone who constantly changes the topic to be about themselves probably doesn’t care that much about you. And if someone is constantly bad mouthing other people behind their backs, they are definitely bad-mouthing you as well. The last thing is the drama. Drama is extremely emotionally draining and nobody wants to be surrounded by it all the time. If you have a friend who loves drama and seems to always be the one starting it, they probably aren’t the ones you should be spending all your time with.
It’s Okay to be Sad
This hurts. I no longer have my support system. I can no longer come over when I’m bored, or sad, or have boy problems. I can’t send them a funny meme that made me think of them. I miss that cool, funny person I used to know. I no longer have my go-to partner for group projects. I’m going to have to open up again to a new person. These are all thoughts that go through my head after I lose a friend. I think it is really important to let yourself mourn. Eat some ice cream and binge watch Netflix for a couple of days, but don’t allow yourself to fall into a cycle of not taking care of yourself. It is completely normal and okay to be sad. It’s almost like a death, you don’t talk to or see this person anymore. That’s extremely difficult to comprehend. Use this time to reflect and better yourself in order to prepare for all the new friendships you will endure in your life.
Put Yourself Out There and Make New Friends
After allowing yourself to be sad, get out and do some group activities that allow you to meet new people. Another HC babe posted this article about how to make new friends in college. These tips can certainly apply in this situation. Talk to new people, I know from experience that the people who look intimidating can be the goofiest after the first conversation. Hang out alone in public spaces, make yourself approachable. Especially in college, a new person might just hop in the seat next to you while you’re eating lunch and start a conversation, be open to things like that. Hang out with some of your less close friends, they can bring you to social events and it can be easier to talk to a new person if you have a mutual friend.
All in all, friend breakups aren’t the end of the world. Yes, they are hard. Yes, you are allowed to have feelings about it. Yes, you will still have moments where it is a little harder, but that’s okay. In time, you will heal. I think the most important thing I can leave you with is just don’t hold any bad blood. It is amazing to be able to have a memory and smile, or to see someone in a public space and not fill up with anger. I really hope some of these tips helped you guys! You are all amazing, capable of growth, and able to make new friends. And who knows? Maybe this next friend will be there for the rest of your life and maybe they won’t. But everything happens for a reason, and everything is a new lesson to learn.
HCXO