So many times, we see our friends, family, or even a stranger dating someone who seems self-absorbed or self-obsessed. That’s not always the case, sometimes these people are just flat out narcissists. Narcissism is generally someone who is highly selfish regardless of the cost of other people’s emotions and having the inability to care about someone else’s emotions. Typically, it’s not easy to spot a narcissist, especially if you’re dating one. Someone who is truly a narcissist is diagnosed with NPD- narcissistic personality disorder. These people are characterized by having emotions like lack of empathy of others, difficulty in relationships, needing attention, and an inflated sense of needing to be important. To be diagnosed with narcissism they need to meet five of the nine criteria that typically only a highly trained psychologist can diagnose. But signs you are dating one? Well, let’s find out.
They were checking all the boxes
At first, when you started talking, they were as charming as could be. They gave you all their time and attention. Maybe said that they loved you during the first couple of months of talking. They constantly compliment you and told you you’re perfect for each other.
But the minute you do something that angers them, they turn their back on you…
More often than not, you have no idea as to what you did. And typically, it has more to do with that narcissist’s own idea of what is wrong or right.
Rebecca Weiler, a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) says that if someone is coming off extremely strong during the first part of the relationship, take a step back. We all want to be wanted by someone, but real love must be grown.
Weiler states that “If you think it’s too early for them to love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to love you, they probably don’t,” Oftentimes they will make up false emotional connections in their head early on in the relationship.
It’s all about them
Commonly narcissists will overly exaggerate their stories and their accomplishments to get praise from others, including their talents. Often, they are too busy talking about themselves to pay any attention to you and what you have to say.
There are two warning signs here; 1) They just will not quit talking about themselves. 2) They won’t participate in any conversation that is about yourself.
This is the time you need to start thinking about these types of actions. Do they try to find out more? Are they paying attention? Or do they turn the conversation to all about them?
Narcissists do this because they need to feel appreciated, they want to feel better about who they are, even smarter than everyone else. This helps them feel self-assured. Says Jacklyn Krol, LCSW.
Your compliments are their dinner
If you pay attention to any narcissist, they appear to be extremely confident. But truth be told they are lacking seriously in self-esteem. If you’re not constantly telling them how amazing they are they will try to fish it out of you.
Shirin Peykar, LMFT says “Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,”
Confident people don’t rely on other people to feel good about themselves.
The biggest difference between someone with NPD and someone who is truly self-confident is that narcissists rely on others for praise and they need to put others down while doing so. They will punish you and make you feel bad for not feeling as great and confident as they do.
Can’t Relate
Narcissists have no empathy, the ability to understand how someone feels. This is the trademark characteristic for a narcissist.
Narcissists can’t grasp how to understand someone, make them feel validated, feel accepted, or seen.
Or in other words: if it’s not their emotions they don’t care.
Pay attention if your partner cares about how you feel about work, if you got in a fight with a family member or if they just seem bored and not interested.
This inability to understand other people’s emotions is one of the main reasons why narcissists can’t keep a relationship regardless if it’s romantic or not.
1 friend, 2 friends, none
Most narcissists don’t have any real friends, let alone long-term friends. If you pay close attention you will notice that they only have acquaintances, or buddies that they talk crap about, or enemies.
As a result of this, they will tend to yell at you when you want to go hang out with your friends. They’ll guilt trip you into staying saying things, like you don’t spend enough time with them, or make you feel like the type of friends you have, are trash.
Ask yourself: does your partner have any friends they’ve had in their life for a while? How do they feel about your friends? Do they talk about people they have “beef” with?
Just not enough
Narcissists will constantly pick on you, and at first, you thought it was cute teasing but then it got more and more hurtful after each occurrence.
It went from what you eat, what you wear, to even what you watch on T.V. everything is a problem for them.
They’ll do whatever they have to put others down to make themselves feel better. Maybe it starts as a hurtful joke which turns into calling you names. What makes it even better for them is your reaction. It almost encourages them to do it more. A narcissist loves that they can affect someone’s emotional state.
Pay attention to these things. If they try to make you feel bad for something that they should be excited about with you, run. They will try to give an excuse as to why you could do that, and why they couldn’t.
Reality? More like gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. Once again this is a trademark of narcissism. They will tell lies, exaggerate the truth, accuse people of things they didn’t do, and ultimately screw with your perception of reality.
Signs of gaslighting click here.
They do this to make others doubt themselves and leave the narcissist with the higher power. Narcissists love when someone worships them, so they’ll do whatever they have to to get you to do so like being manipulative.
What are we?
They will beat around the bush when it comes to defining the relationship. There are so many reasons why someone might not want to put a label on your relationship but if your partner shows any of the signs on this list. It’s most likely a bad sign.
Some narcissists want to be treated like your partner so they can benefit from you sexually, emotionally, and all the little intimate things while making sure no one else steals you away from them.
Quite frankly you most likely will see them flirting with others in front of you, your friends, or even your family. And if you try to talk to them about your feelings, they will blame you, call you crazy, and say you’re making things up in your head. They will use this as an excuse to not be with you. Or worse if you do nothing, they will think that you don’t deserve to be respected.
A lose-lose situation.
I’m right, you’re wrong
They will think they are constantly right and will see no need to apologize. There is no compromise with narcissists when they think they are always right. They don’t see disagreements the same way as someone who is not a narcissist. They think they are teaching you the truth.
Feels like every argument is a battle and ends with you being wrong.
Even though the best way to get away from a narcissist is to end the relationship, tread carefully. Don’t negotiate because it won’t work and avoid arguments. A narcissist goes crazy when they know they have no control or power over you.
Their inability to apologize when your partner is in the wrong will come up in even the smallest situations like calling you when they promised they would but then they don’t.
A good partner will know when they need to apologize.
Love the way you lie
As soon as you put a foot out the door, they will do everything in their power to keep you with them. They will try to convince you that they have changed. But eventually, you will see that they haven’t. Because of this, narcissists find themselves going in and out of the same relationship until they find someone new.
If you tell them, you are done for the good they will do whatever they can in their power to hurt you for leaving them. By “bruising” their ego they feel so wrongfully done that they have no other choice but to lash out at you. They think everything is everyone else’s fault but their own.
The result? They will do whatever they have to to keep a good reputation, maybe immediately start dating someone else, or maybe try and steal your friends. They need a good reputation; it is their world. And they won’t let anything mess with that.
As a disclaimer, I am not a professional and do not claim to be an expert on NPD.
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