First dates and blind dates are pretty freaking scary. Not that I have ever really been on a blind-first date, but I imagine they would be nerve-wracking. Honestly, they just sound awkward as hell unless there is alcohol involved. But whats the worst that can happen? You get free food and a chance to meet someone knew who you might have a future with — it is just a date, right?
I have a friend who is the whole package: she’s incredibly smart, funny, charismatic, and gorgeous. But I sh*t you not when I say she had the worst first date ever. It started off like any other blind date, and it seemed to be going well, but it went from 0 to 60 real quick. For the sake of her keeping what is left of her dignity, she will remain anonymous for this interview.
Let me add some context: A few weeks ago, I was sitting at home on a Friday night, being a bum, because I had to waitress starting at 9am the next day. One of my good friends came over to my apartment and asked if she should go out on a date with a guy she met on Bumble, or if she should stay in. “Go out,” I said, “you’ve already been out tonight, what’s there to lose?” A couple hours later, I got a text from her saying, “I am really glad you told me to go out, I am having a really good time!” I was so excited to hear she was having fun. “The guy asked if I wanted to go to a bar in Arlington, should I go?” she asked. “I mean it is kind of far, but if you feel up to it, go for it.” I said. That was the last we spoke, before the date went down hill…
HC: So how did it all start?
Anon: Ummm so I decided to go on a Bumble binge, [giggles] and I had been talking to this guy for a couple weeks. On Valentine’s Day I got so drunk at dinner that I decided to throw him my number. About two weeks later, I had a really hard and cold practice for track. I came home and I didn’t know whether I wanted to eat or sleep at this point, and that was when I decided to come over to your apartment. I asked you if I should go out, and you told me that I’ll get free food, free drinks, and that it will be fine.
HC: What did you wear on your date?
Anon: I wore a skirt, boots, and a sweater, I thought I looked really cute. I go to meet him, and he looked exactly like his picture, and was 6’2” so he wasn’t hard to spot. We went to Circa in DuPont.
HC: What time was it at this point?
Anon: It was like 8:15 or 8:30, we were just going out for drinks. We were talking, you know, first date kinda stuff and I was being my typical nerdy self. I had about two Moscow Mules and then we decided to walk around DuPont. We walked to this bar called Rumors and had a few more drinks. He said he was talking to his friends and they asked if we wanted to join them at a bar in Arlington. This was when I texted you and told you I was having a good time, and that it was a great decision!
HC: Did you go?
Anon: Yup. I decided to say, “why not?” so we hopped in an Uber to go to this bar and when we got there it is incredibly crowded. It was filled with yuppies and I felt super out of place, but I decided I was just going to go with it, and decided to keep drinking Bud Lights. At this point I wasn’t even drunk, we were just livin’ life. At this point its like 11:30…
HC: And then sh*t goes down?
Anon: And then sh*t goes down. We were really enjoying the live music at the bar, and the band started playing their rendition of “Uptown Funk.” All of a sudden, I feel a very sharp pain in my knee…
HC: Oh God.
Anon: And then I had this thought in my head, “You’re goin’ down. You’re going to the floor, this is happening.” Remember at this point I was wearing a skirt. My bare legs are kicked out in front of me, and my knee cap was on the side of my leg. At this point my date is like, “What the f*ck? Why is she on the floor?” I looked at my knee and decided, “Well this is happening,” and I popped it back into place. My date helped me up and was asking if I was ok, and I told him that I needed to get out of the bar because I had just dislocated my knee, and that I needed air.
HC: And then what?
Anon: I grabbed our coats, and I started walking down this ramp. I don’t really remember what happened, but all of a sudden I am waking up! My date and this other guy are picking me up, and I vaguely remember banging my head against a railing. I had just passed out. The bouncers thought that I was black-out drunk, and my date was trying to explain to them that I dislocated my knee. I was just trying to get air, and I passed out in the process.
HC: So what did you do?
Anon: Well my date’s friends came over and started asking if I was ok, and in any normal situation I should have gone to the hospital. But I decided it would be a good idea to call and Uber Pool and head home…
HC: What were you thinking in this moment? Your knee was out of place, and you are in Arlington, what is going through your head?
Anon: I was so confused! And so embarrassed! But I kept my sh*t together. My knee cap had causally slipped out of place and I just passed out but I was like, “This is fine.” This was literally the worst date, and I just wanted to go home. And I was wearing a skirt, like who knows what happened to the skirt when I passed out! I don’t know. These are questions I haven’t asked yet and I will probably never ask because I don’t want to know! So then I get in the Uber Pool and I start bawling. In between sobs I tired to explain to the driver what happened as we’re going to pick up the second person in our pool. I moved up to the front seat and the Uber driver said he used to dislocate his knee all the time playing soccer, and was telling me to extend my leg then bring it back. So I am in the front seat of an Uber, getting advice from a man who probably has no medical experience, and the girl we were picking up gets in the car. She asked if we were going to the hospital and I told them I just wanted to go home! She tried to tell me jokes and I vaguely remember saying in between sobs, “I’M AN ATHLETE!”
HC: Dear God when does this end?
Anon: Well we finally get to my apartment building, and the Uber driver asked if I needed him to carry me to my apartment.
HC: And you didn’t take him up on it?!
Anon: At this point I was just like, I need bed. My roommates were both asleep, and I didn’t want to call anyone, but I am still crying. So I just pop Advil, ice my knee and head for 20 minutes, and go to bed.
HC: So that was the best date of your life, right?
Anon: He still talks to me!
HC: Did he text you?
Anon: I texted him the next day and was like, “I totally understand if you never want to see me or talk to me again.”
HC: But you went on a second date right?
Anon: A second, and a third…
HC: So moral of the story, you should always pop your knee out on a first date?
Anon: When I saw the doctors the next day they were like, “Wow, you really needed to play the trick knee to get out of this date?” It’s a good story, everyone got a kick out of it.
Not only did she did get a couple more dates out of it, but she also gets to wear a super-sexy knee brace around for the next few weeks. So if you ever feel nervous about a first date, just remember: whats the worst that can happen? A lot, actually, but if worst comes to worst, at least its a good story.