As a college student, I see a lot of the challenges faced by young adults while navigating relationships. College relationships are unique since it is typically a period of individual growth and discovery, making it increasingly difficult to find balance between caring for yourself and caring for someone else. Additionally, there are drastic changes in the motivations behind relationships. I am using the term relationship very loosely, as most of them would be considered “situationships!”. For many students, the term “relationship” has been perverted since commitment and security are not often found within them.
Now, as a junior, my friends and I are vocal about how we are looking for more permanence within relationships. Not deliberately meaning we are dating to marry necessarily, but we are looking for mutually reciprocated care and loyalty, as well as looking to gain some knowledge out of it. However, as soon as there is a conflict and relationships end, I watch my friends flock back to their exes, doing exactly what they said they wouldn’t. Every standard they had set for themselves at the end of the relationship goes out the window as soon as they become exes.
Therefore, as a relationship veteran and someone who has found value in learning from past relationships without returning to them, here is my guide to getting over them with grace and poise.
Stand up
My girls and I know the drama and antics of breakups all too well. Once the relationship is over, my friends are quick to share every foul act committed that they didn’t want to let me in on earlier, in order to protect the reputation of their former partners.
Recently, my friend revealed to me that she had gotten back with her ex from last year. When they initially split, the reason was unclear to her. Rather than being direct with her and simply breaking the news that he wanted to break up, he tried to continue a physical relationship without sharing his intention of breaking up with her-literally that day. As many people would, she felt disrespected and offended that he was more concerned with his needs than being transparent with her.
She confided in me the mental gymnastics she was suffering, trying to understand what had happened, and questioning herself. She felt they had a good connection, however as she ruminated on the breakup she began reflecting negatively on their time together, only raising more questions and insecurities.
Returning to someone who belittled her self worth so significantly gave him the power.
This repetitive pattern of returning is damaging, as it leads to a constant reminder of what did happen, and questions as to what could happen. This slowly eats away at your confidence and puts you back where you started at the end of the initial breakup. Understanding the gravity of self-interested actions that may seem fine in the moment should be enough to prevent the person from returning into your life. I think that people can change, but if someone has wronged you so significantly, then they should take their room to grow and try again with someone else. Strong feelings cause strong hurt. Opening the opportunity for developed feelings to be hurt again is a greater sacrifice than moving on.
In order to avoid this negative cycle and maintain your self respect, let the rotten fruit fall, and stand up babe.
Move On
When a relationship is over, it is essential to have at least a moment of separation before re-opening the door of communication. Giving yourself space allows for reflection, which is crucial for understanding why the relationship didn’t work out. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself or badmouthing your ex. Talking it out with a girlfriend or your mom, someone who is going to tell you the truth, is the most clarifying way to gain an outside perspective on the whole situation.
Another beautiful friend of mine similarly revealed she had returned to her ex boyfriend. However, she never really stopped talking to him. When they broke up, no phone numbers were blocked and he would randomly text her when he wanted to see her. Mind you, my friends and I had seen him walking through campus on numerous occasions quickly proceeding their breakup with other girls, closely resembling our friend, ew…
A common theme found within all of my advice is that; it’s harmful to give someone power over your emotions. Giving someone the power to drag you along (as seen in this instance) lets them know they can do whatever they want and you will be there waiting for them. This is a hard pill to swallow but it is the truth. If the other person still wants you around but doesn’t want to be in a relationship, it’s time to question their intentions.
Getting over love- or manipulated emotions that feel like love-may be one of the most complicated processes ever. Getting over an ex is synonymous to grieving. Mourning the loss of a partner is only half of the battle, as you are also coming to terms with losing the version of yourself you were with them. However, that version served a purpose, and it’s time to use this experience to help you grow and move the f*ck on.
Know Your Worth
Staying in a post relationship “situationship” can seem dangerous, as seen with my last friend. She remained tethered to her ex due to comfort and familiarity, preventing her own personal growth-which quite frankly is never worth it. Even though trying to repair the relationship may feel like a challenge, it is probably the wrong challenge. Walking away and challenging yourself to become a better version of yourself is often easier and more rewarding than trying to fix something that has had many opportunities to repair.
The problem with dating and breakups in college is even with 30,000 undergraduates, you ultimately still see everyone you’ve ever met everywhere, and somehow everyone is in the same friend group.
For the case of one of my newer friends, he resides in the same friend group as his ex and he had been her first real relationship. This situation is complicated because as an outsider looking in, it seems that there is no way, why, or how they would be compatible with each other, let alone end up together. However, we will never understand our friends fully, and nonetheless it appeared that they shared a lot of good times together and with that, a lot of really bad times.
Relationships function like a balance beam, and if the highs are too high then there are only going to be low lows. A middle ground is necessary for a healthy relationship. This middle ground doesn’t make the relationship boring, it creates room for emotional growth at a steady rate. When challenges arise, it becomes easier to work together through it.
An issue I frequently saw during their breakup, as I was let in on a lot of the intricacies of it, was that there was no privacy to their breakup. They were not able to handle the breakup together since most times they communicated about the relationship it was in a public setting and often involved substances (ie the last football game).
Spectating their downfall and the numerous voices contributing to a bias about the other person separated their emotional connection even further. The same thing goes, when telling someone not to go back to their ex, they are going to do it.
Communication and trust within the relationship lays the foundation of how your connection is going to manifest. Disclosing details of a situation with others who are not aware of both sides will complicate things further as it breaks trust and often tempers with the true reasons on why the relationship didn’t work.
During their breakup, there was no clear ending- as it is difficult to remain in the same friend group and be around someone who you shared such strong feelings for. Moving on is way past applicable in this situation, since I don’t see it happening until they can be physically separated.
They are stuck.
Sometimes we entertain the drama since it focuses their attention back on you, even if it isn’t positive. This negative attention often generates a neurotic break, similar to psychosis where your actions are not well thought through and you start to lose touch with reality. Acting on these emotions leads to a lack of fulfillment to your own standards as well as the feeling that you can’t do anything right to fix it. The pressure to constantly satisfy someone’s needs you know you cannot fulfill-including your own- is a loop of torment.
Out of respect for your own mental sanity, a step back is required to find yourself again. In scenarios where you find yourself putting your ex at the forefront of your mind will only guide you to make decisions based on what you think is going to have an effect on them.
When reaching this point, seriously, know your worth
Many people see breaking up as “giving-up”, and while in some contexts that can be true, risking your mental health is not worth it. Taking time for yourself is NOT selfish and often very necessary when getting over someone who played a big part in your life. Looking back on your shared time and appreciating what they contributed to your life is necessary to overcome romantic grief. While doing this, you will gain a greater understanding of what you would like to see in a future partner and, more importantly, in yourself.