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Which Halloween Villain is the Best Boyfriend Material?

These Halloween bachelors come from all sorts of different films and backgrounds. Each of them are scary in their own unique way, but they also have their charms. Every guy has a few unique hobbies. Some knit, some play sports, some turn into bats, some go on killing sprees… it’s all a matter of personal preference, really. While I appreciate that each of the Halloween villains are special in their own way, I have to wonder how they stack up against each other. Which of these Halloween hotties would make the best boyfriend? Science doesn’t have an answer, but I just might. After careful consideration, this is my official ranking of which Halloween villains are the best boyfriend material.

Freddy Krueger (“A Nightmare On Elm Street”)

Alright, let’s be real, no reasonable person is picking Freddy Krueger as their dream BF, so he’s going to kick off this list in the lowest spot. The blades on his gloves knock him out of the running right away. Those things are sharp and are certainly not good for holding hands, cuddling, or getting intimate.

Krueger’s M.O. is going after people’s fears. It would be all too easy for him to pinpoint all your insecurities and use them against you, and if the films are anything to judge by, he won’t hesitate to do so. Sounds like a recipe for a toxic relationship. Best to steer clear of this guy.

That’s not to mention that nasty red and muddy green sweater. That should have been the first red flag.

Michael Myers (“Halloween”)

Just because Michael Myers didn’t score the lowest spot doesn’t mean he’s anyone’s dream man, either. This guy has a total one track mind. Stalk, stab, kill, over and over again on repeat. Talk about boring. You won’t be getting any attention from him unless you end up on his murder list. Would it hurt him to take up a hobby? Maybe something interesting like sculpture or candle-making?

The one redeeming factor for Michael is that he has a strong fashion identity. He picks up a pair of coveralls in the first movie and decides that he likes them so much he’s going to keep finding identical pairs in all the sequels. It’s simple, yet, dare I say iconic? Paired with the mask, he certainly keeps up an air of mystery, and everyone likes a guy with a bit of intrigue.

Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde

Coming in at number four is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll gets some big points. He’s a doctor, first of all, so he’s definitely got brains, which we all know is sexy. In the beginning of the film, he proves himself to be loyal by rejecting the advances of another woman, so that’s another mark in his favor.

Unfortunately, book smarts and practical smarts don’t go hand in hand. Dr. Hyde intentionally tinkers with various drugs in order to bring out his evil side. Seriously, what made him think that was a good idea? This guy studied for years to become a doctor, but it never occurred to him that just maybe channeling his evil side could have a few repercussions? Of course, Mr. Hyde sends Jekyll’s  BF score plummeting, what with all the abuse, murder, and general creepiness. I guess it just goes to show that fancy titles don’t mean much when someone lacks common sense.

Dracula

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere! The perks of dating a vampire are pretty much endless. He can make you immortal, you get to live in a cool castle, and you can play around with the goth aesthetic all you want. He’s an old-fashioned gentleman who would absolutely lay his cape down in a puddle for you to cross. Dates with Dracula include stargazing and midnight walks through the cemetery.

Dracula himself is quite the romantic, guaranteed to love you over multiple lifetimes and even through reincarnations. Clingy? Maybe. Loyal? Undoubtedly. Let’s not forget the classy fashion either. Be it capes or fancy suits with a top-hat and bow-tie, every iteration of Dracula has some serious style. His looks are almost as sharp as his teeth.

Frankenstein’s Monster

Talk about a guy that needs a little TLC. I mean, calling him a monster from the moment he came to life? Rude.

Frankenstein’s Monster makes a few missteps here and there, but his intentions are good. He just wants someone to connect with– someone to appreciate him for who he is. He’s been through a lot, so any prospective partner would have to be extra careful to go easy on him, but he’s got a big heart. He may not be eye candy, but underneath that sallow exterior is a guy with great capacity for love. Overall, pursuing a relationship with Frankenstein’s Monster is sure to be a rewarding experience.

The Invisible Man

Conventional wisdom says that some things are better left to the imagination. The Invisible Man takes that idea to the next level. On the upside, with looks out of the equation the only thing we can rank this potential BF on is his personality.

Much like Dr. Jekyll, The Invisible Man made the mistake of messing with science. Unlike Dr. Jekyll, the evil wasn’t intentional but had an unfortunate side-effect. While we’re on the subject, let’s not ignore that The Invisible Man cracked the code for turning things invisible. That’s a pretty big accolade. Even though his recipe isn’t perfect, that’s still an impressive achievement. It may be hard to look in his eyes or check him out, but The Invisible Man would be the perfect partner for intellectual conversations and deep talks at two in the morning.

So there you have it: an official ranking of the big Halloween villains according to how good a boyfriend they would be. Is it all correct? That’s really up to you! Everyone has different tastes and preferences that they take into consideration when coming up with the dream partner. Some of us might prefer Dracula’s goth aesthetic and others might really dig Frank’s sensitive side. At the end of the day, you can’t go wrong by listening to your heart… and making sure you stay away from the sharp ends of these guys’ knives.

Kaylie Stenberg

CU Boulder '23

I write, I read, and I explore internet rabbit holes.
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