We all crave connection; it’s a kind of hunger that grows with age and with every person you meet. I’ve learned that (as my mom rightfully predicted) there are so many people out there. I will meet a lot of them, get to know them and possibly learn to love them. It’s almost like a promise, and finally, when you do meet someone you’re willing to duke it out with, fate.
Many studies have looked at how that happens, the fate of meeting your person. How you become “twin flames”, “other halves”, whatever you want to call it. A lot of it, of course, has to do with biology and attraction. We are flushed with hormones the minute we see someone worth seeing. Oxytocin, dopamine and norepinephrine scramble our brains and turn them into mush, so when you do utter a word to them, not one coherent thought comes out. It’s actually quite amazing that just our presence can bring about an attraction only humans can feel at such a deep level. It may be love or lust, and nowadays, it feels like they’re supposed to be one and the same.
Women, especially, are expected to be this dichotomous manic pixie-housewife-worthy enigma. We’re supposed to be worthwhile enough to love but attractive enough to be lusted over so that we don’t lose our appeal and consequently the potential to be loved. Attractive can mean a lot of things, but it is generally some kind of physical attraction that often needs maintenance. So, yes, love and lust are one and the same now, and one cannot exist without the other to my dismay.
But have no fear! We have vanilla pheromone perfumes and extra “fat and juicy” plumping lip glosses. We have gratuitous teenage boys on Instagram giving us advice on how to attract a man. They say if I just have this certain allure, my dream guy will come runnin’. I just have to reach into the folds of his brain to release “oxytocin”, and his reward system will be linked to me. Gorgeous women preach to me that a vanilla perfume triggers a man’s limbic system, so all I have to do is buy this one off TikTok Shop, and all will come flocking my way. Somehow, I can defy biology and alter the brain chemistry of this guy I just met at a party that thinks my name is Tina.
I found that I actually kind of hate vanilla perfume. It’s too strong, and I overall don’t care all that much for it. I’ve also been thinking that none of this can be real. Where in time did we turn into a world that capitalizes on women’s hunger for connection? Out of some cruel irony, I have to settle for romance books if none of my other efforts work to feel something. It’s either that or you are virtually deprived of connection while other girls run the race. The truth is that we are never going to “win” this “race.” It is a game with no reward in a world where no one can love “just because.” Everything you receive is “princess treatment” only after you’ve hurdled every obstacle.
I don’t say this out of pessimism or to discourage anyone who is seeking connection and love. It’s beautiful how optimistic we are about finding your person, and how resilient we all are in the midst of heartbreak. It’s easy to shut off after heartbreak, but it takes another kind of strength to transcend it. Everyone feels things more deeply than it appears, and even the most avoidant people were once open. I believe that, with patience, we all will rise above our anxieties about connection and love. And eventually, at the right time, we will meet someone at that same point of overcoming, as fate intended.