The term ‘gay best friend’ (GBF) is inherently microaggressive. It may seem as though this term simply connects someone’s identity to their relationship with someone else, but this phenomenon is riddled with subtle dehumanization.
The stereotype
Microaggressions are apparent whenever stereotypes are prevalent, as the purpose is often to reinforce long-lasting stigmas. When it comes to a GBF, the most prominent stereotype is parallel with that of flamboyant men. In this context, a gay man is viewed as the token gay friend within a predominantly straight, female group, or duo who is “more a court jester than anything else,” and is only interested in shopping, gossip, sassiness, and sex.
For women who coin their gay friends as a GBF, the internal result is that they are completely accepting of homosexuality. News flash: if you’re only friends with a gay person because of the societal stereotypes tied to their identity, you’re not a trailblazing activist fighting against homophobia— you’re actually just contributing to the problem.
pop culture’s role
With any set of stereotypes, it is inevitable that media and pop culture will perpetuate them, whether that be conscious or not. This is apparent in many hit movies and TV shows, specifically in the late 90s and early 2000s as society started to be more “accepting” of homosexuality; by “accepting” I only mean that media didn’t use slurs to describe gay people, but rather showed the aforementioned acceptance through the isolated act of incorporating gay characters into storylines, but that didn’t mean they were nice about it.
Some of the more popular characters that exemplify this trope include Stanford Blatch and Anthony Marentio from Sex and the City, Marc St. James from Ugly Betty, and Damian from Mean Girls. All of these characters have the same purpose within the story: they’re simply an accessory.
what does this mean?
This kind of “inclusion” can only be seen as destructive. When we encourage the use of gay men as a tool of entertainment in society and pop culture, we begin to lack representation for the spectrum of what being gay actually looks like; this inherently places queer people into a box. Believe it or not, there is more nuance to the queer community than what meets the heterosexual eye.
We often see how gay men are vilified by society when they externalize their feminine side (a side that lives within all of us, but I digress). At the same time, gay men that may present themselves in a traditional masculine manner are stigmatized as well. So where is the happy medium?
Society views finding men desirable as feminine behavior. To most straight cis men, the combination of attraction to men and “womanly” individual expression, means a recipe for hate towards femininity as a whole. In general, most men might have an attraction to women, but that doesn’t mean men actually like women as people; this is clearly depicted through the constant disrespect that women receive from male figures on the scale of domestic violence within relationships to reproductive rights legislation. It’s obvious that men hate femininity, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise when they express this hate towards feminine gay men as well.
taking action
The only way to combat the destruction stemming from stigmas and stereotyping is to speak up when it’s in front of you. I know this can be intimidating, especially if you see this behavior occurring within your friend group or within your family, but recognize that in the end, this is a service to society. When speaking up, it is important to acknowledge the harm being caused and provide examples for support. The only way we can destroy harmful stereotypes is through educating, confronting and questioning potential harm, and fostering empathy for those affected.