In young adulthood, talk of romance (if you can call it that) abounds — dare I say, the dating pool in Boulder is notoriously vapid in a certain manner which allows for extremely fruitful, entertaining, and occasionally devastating conversation with my female friends.
I am not quite bitter (yet), but I have had my fair share of heartbreaks which may have well been avoided if I’d taken care to honor the weight of the decision of pursuing a romantic entanglement, and perhaps put together a list of necessary criteria. However, developing such a list has proven controversial. I can remember shows on cable TV that centered this very dilemma, the trouble of putting together a list about the subject of your romantic pursuit. The romantic pros and cons list never seemed apt to solve a character’s problem, but instead created one.
For example, Friends’ “The One With The List” involves Ross creating a pros and cons list alongside Joey, the focus of which is deciding between Rachel and another woman. She sees the list, dramedy ensues, and as long-time watchers of Friends will know, things get complicated
Now, obviously, you shouldn’t be blatantly comparing people, especially in a setting where they might happen upon your list — a list which is innately hurtful to read as the ‘list-ee’ no matter your intent in writing it, I’ll cede this. Nonetheless, as long as it’s handled with care, the romantic pros and cons list still seems to be a necessity to me. Enter bountiful problematic hurdles like alcoholism, drug abuse, willful refusal of available mental health treatment, misogyny and irreconcilable political differences, prospective prejudiced in-laws — the field is much more complex than it is as a young lady romping her way into a high school first love. We’re not just looking for whatever “love” was as teenagers, we’re seeking a life partner who aligns with and respects our values. Such a tall task, as with any other important decision, requires that we carefully evaluate a list of selective criteria. For example, a basic three which I find reasonable and comprehensive, without being restrictive:
- They are committed to the pursuit of personal excellence
- They are dedicated to the maintenance of gainful employment
- They are honest about their relationships with alcohol and drugs
If these aren’t in the pros column, I don’t want them! And I don’t think that’s a crime. A positive intentionality behind your list-making and true, loving honesty with your partner(s), unlike we see in the Ross and Rachel situation, is what makes the pros and cons list useful at all. Unless you’re making a pros and cons breakup list, the romantic pros and cons list is usually born of just that — romance! We want to envision our futures, to plan, and be as sure as can be that what we want aligns with what our partner(s) want — I can’t imagine that pros and cons list-making is anything but a thoughtful act of love when applied in the correct context.
I’m unsure if this is a hot take, but Friends certainly didn’t give it a generous treatment; it’s abundantly clear that Ross is in the wrong. I don’t think this is always the case, though, and I absolutely don’t advocate for going around throwing your pros and cons lists in loved ones’ faces, or any person’s but your own! The romantic pros and cons list should be a labor of love done to affirm your feelings with reason — but this does bring me to a lingering question.
I’m moved by the power of love, and so even though I find it best to hold oneself to a standard when pursuing a romantic interest, I acknowledge that sometimes the heart doesn’t mind if a box or two… or three… aren’t checked off. Still, I wonder, though it seems vitally important to assess partners, if love is not bound by the rationality that list-making momentarily grants us. Will love sweep you away? Is that what it’s supposed to do? I don’t have the answers, but I can try to find them for myself — that’s the utility of the romantic pros and cons list!