“The wisest are the most annoyed at the loss of time,” said Italian poet Dante Alighieri. Growing up. Moving on. Time passing. These are just some of the many things that we as humans have to deal with and try to make sense of. Unfortunately, I find myself being the most upset and confused about the loss of time. I think most humans do a pretty good job of dealing with the fact that we are getting older with every second of every day, but it’s the moments in our lives like birthdays that remind us that every second of every day is a moment of time passing. With every holiday, birthday, graduation, vacation, dinner, coffee… we are just getting older. Slowly smiling through the straining sensation of seconds ticking. It’s my sister Adah’s 18th birthday today. I find myself trying to make sense of the fact that the girl that used to be my chubby cheeked 3 year old sister is now my best friend, about to graduate high school and move into adulthood.
The weird thing about time passing is that you physically can’t feel it. You don’t wake up every day and feel older than you did the day before. You can only truly feel the passing of time when you take a step back and look at the parts of your life that day by day are changing: when you look at your siblings and realize that they aren’t 3 years old anymore and obsessed with their barbies and superheroes. They are actually 13 and 15 and transforming into some of the best humans I have ever met. You can only feel time passing when you look at your grandparents and parents and realize that time doesn’t have any expectations. We are all victims to the one thing that we have no control of: time.
As I sit in my apartment and question where all these 18 years went, Adah, I smile because the memories of us growing up are some of the sweetest moments of complete bliss. I remember we were 6 and 4 and sharing bunk beds in our room that we got to share for 18 years. I remember this night because I fell out of the top bunk at 10 pm, and we couldn’t stop laughing because we weren’t supposed to be up that late, yet we always found ourselves up at that time. When I think of my childhood, I think of you, Adah. You were the most consistent thing through these 20 years of my life. You were there for every fight with mom and dad. Every horrible friend. Every swim meet. Every boy that broke my heart. It was you and I. I remember making up songs with you and beginning to fall in love with writing. Dreaming about the day that we both were going to be adults and all grown up. Dreaming about the day that one of us was going to be a songwriter and the other a journalist. It really scares me at how fast time passes because that feels like yesterday.
It feels like yesterday that we were sitting day dreaming about being as old as we are today. It feels like yesterday when we were wondering what colleges we were going to and promising each other that we would never leave each other’s side — because how could we deal with this scary world apart? It feels like yesterday that you were 5 and falling in love with horses and wanting to ride them daily. It feels like yesterday that you were 8 and had an obsession with crystals and being fascinated with the way they sparkled when the light hit them perfectly. It feels like yesterday when we were in high school together and were each other’s only thing that got us through the pain that came with being a teenager. It feels like yesterday when I was watching you grow up. Watching you fall in love with music. Basketball, your friends… Life itself. Watching you learn and love and lose and keep moving through this life. Watching you turn into one of the strongest women I get to experience life with.
I think dealing with the loss of time is one of the hardest things that we as humans have to deal with. Watching your parents get older. Your siblings grow up. Realizing that time will never stop is something almost impossible to be really happy about. But with every day that goes by, every second that passes, memories are made. Places are being seen. People are being met. Food is being eaten. These last 18 years, I have had the pleasure of getting to watch you become the woman you are today. I have had the gift of being able to be within your presence. So, as I live through each day (and will have to experience this for the rest of my life), I have tried to make this time that is inevitably always passing worth it.
I have worked to make every dinner, birthday, Wednesday, coffee and vacation worth it because, yes, time will always be going by. It will always be passing, but how lucky are we to even get another second? Another day. Another birthday. How lucky am I to get to watch you move into the real world? How grateful am I to get to experience this life with you, Adah. Time is always passing. It’s always moving. We are getting older with every second. And that’s okay. It has to be okay, because it’s inevitable. We have the choice to see the passing of time as a gift that comes with life rather than a side effect of life. It’s not a side effect; it’s embedded in life. It’s a part of life.