Maybe one of the most significant aspects of going to school, besides the learning part, is the social aspect. So far, as in the past fifteen years I’ve been in the education system, the social aspect has been kind of a sh*t show. I think back to my time in middle school, and the awkwardness, the smell (Ariana Grande perfume and sweat), and the feeling that it was impossible to fit in. In the end, no friendships really lasted from there. Then I think about high school-more awkwardness just slightly taller, and the friends I had, and the friends I lost. No friendships ended well, and it was devastating. So when I graduated high school, I was ecstatic about coming to a huge school like CU Boulder and making new friends. And make friends I did, at least for a while.
I really tried to put myself out there and meet new people. I went to the sticky beer-covered frats, went to the goofy dorm events, football games, and all the things they tell you to do to take full advantage of the freshman experience. I had a group for a while, and we did everything together, but then I slowly started feeling like I didn’t fit. I’m grateful for the time and experiences I had with those people. But there was a point where eventually I wasn’t in the group anymore, and then again I had that sinking feeling of “oh f*ck it happened again, I’m alone.”
As a junior this year, I keep having this feeling that somehow I’ve missed my shot at making those lifelong friends I thought college was supposed to magically conjure for me. I feel like I’ve missed my opportunity to join clubs, to do new things, because there’s so little time left for me here at CU. I feel this clock with its swinging pendulum counting down the seconds until my time in college is done. My anxious pessimism sits on my shoulder like an angry devil whispering into my ear. But to him I say, “shut up, there’s value in every single day”.
I try to embody the angel sitting on the other shoulder and harness all the positivity I can. Here I am joining Her Campus as a junior, even though I’m going abroad next semester, because there’s value in the present and value in the now. I remind myself that there’s no “correct” way to make or have friends. I’ve recently found out that I am autistic, and after receiving my diagnosis, I realized all the ways in which my brain works differently from a neurotypical brain. I get burnt out incredibly easily. I get overstimulated at the drop of a hat. I’ve been told by others that I feel very deeply, that I have big emotions. It has been very hard to find people who make me feel accepted instead of different. I do function differently from other friends I’ve had, and sometimes I think that not every person really knows what to do with that.
I’m at the point where I’ve realized it’s okay to take yourself away from what is exhausting and find a space where I can just exist. I find myself so grateful for the new friends I’m meeting and the new dynamics I’m fitting into. I’ve found that if you feel like you have to push yourself to fit into a space, then maybe there’s somewhere else that you can fit more easily, more gently, and that it’s okay to let yourself find that new space.
That being said, it is also absolutely okay, and maybe even necessary, to grieve the friendships lost. I find myself grieving all the things that could have been, and how meeting new people feels impossible. It’s sad, and difficult, and stressful. So, to anyone struggling to make friends, to anyone who feels alone, to anyone who feels like they don’t fit in, I see you. You are heard, valued, and not alone. And to you, I say never give up on the possibility of friendship. Never give up on the possibility of finding “your people” because every single one of us deserves that, and deserves to feel loved and valued and accepted. I truly believe it will happen for every single one of us.