Recently, my guy friend and I had a “deep conversation.” We exchanged traumatic stories from our childhoods, dove into our insecurities, and bonded over our fears for the future. As most people feel after a good rant, he raved about how refreshed he felt when our chat concluded. He said conversations like the one we had just shared – explorations of genuine connection – are what he was searching for in college. He lamented that his friends back home never really talked to each other, despite being together all the time. This immediately made me cock my head to the side because all me and my girlfriends do is talk. Our typical hangout consists of a Taylor Swift playlist, a sweet treat, and hours upon hours of gossip, psychoanalysis, and zealous monologues about our passions. If men aren’t talking to each other, what do they do? Do they even really know each other?
According to DW, men’s friendships depend on action while women’s depend on emotional connection. Men find a common interest and commit to it, meaning their hangouts typically revolve around specific activities. For example, guys who are into sports play, watch, and/or attend games together. At the bare minimum, most of their conversation is dominated by the topic of sports. That doesn’t mean female friendships aren’t built on similarities; however, women are more likely to expand and strengthen their friendships. Let’s say two women both love to shop. They go shopping and grab lunch afterward. The difference between men and women is women won’t just talk about clothes or shopping at lunch; instead, they take the one-on-one opportunity to get to know each other outside of their shared interests. This fosters a relationship based on identity rather than activity.
The foundation of male friendships is proximity, which also conditions men to be indifferent about their friends’ character. Ever since elementary school, the adage that girls are harder to be friends with than boys has been ingrained in society. What this ideology fails to consider is that women know the type of friend they need, whereas men accept the friends that they have. Most of the male friend groups I’ve observed have been constant since early adolescence. They grow up together, but they don’t necessarily evolve as people together. Underneath the surface of boy friend groups is often irritation and annoyance at each other, but because men don’t talk about their feelings, this resentment is never brought up or resolved. Men just tolerate their friends because their friends are all they know and they don’t know how to build relationships with other people. On the contrary, women ensure they feel understood, validated, and respected in their friendships, which is why women cycle through friends at a faster rate than men do. When women begin to become frustrated at a friend, they are confrontational. They are not afraid to address the issues affecting friendships because disrespect disrupts the genuineness women crave in relationships. Women would rather abandon a toxic friendship to find a more fulfilling one than endure friendships lacking substance, trust, and gratification.
Women’s sense of community itself is grounded in the patriarchy. Men are individualistic creatures. Since birth, they’ve been taught to be the best. They see other men as competition – professionally, romantically, and personally – which prevents men from relying on each other. Men are likely to be willing to betray one another for personal gain, and most of the time, no hard feelings are shown because this is a shared understanding among men. Women, though, have been told that we’ll never be the best. We are instead taught to compete for male attention, but even then, our safety is left jeopardized. Thus, women must depend on each other. Nearly every woman I know would never leave even her worst enemy alone with a man if she detected danger. She would drop everything, even her cold, hard grudges, to guarantee this woman leaves the situation safe. This protective nature stems from patriarchy’s exclusion of women. Subconsciously, women know we’ll never be “in ” with the male crowd: we will always be seen as beneath men. So instead of fighting a hopeless battle, we find assurance and community within ourselves. If women don’t support, defend, and celebrate one another, no one else will. Womankind would be extinct without womanhood, which is why the community found within female friendships is essential.
In order to further benefit both men and women, emotional connection is needed in all forms of friendships. Vulnerable conversations within male friendships will destigmatize toxic masculinity ideals, such as feelings being equated to weakness. The more rants men have with one another, the less emotion they have to repress, which will present healthier coping mechanisms and emotional outlets for men. More sentimentality in male friendships will also relieve women of the emotional labor they often have to take on when in a relationship with a man. Because men do not confide in each other, the women in a man’s life are left to help the man navigate his emotions and develop empathy. However, if men begin to deconstruct their emotions together, women won’t be left alone in this role. In turn, platonic friendships and romantic relationships shared between a man and a woman will be strengthened because healthier communication methods will be developed and women won’t be responsible for nurturing the man.
My conversation with my guy friend made me realize just how grateful I am for my female friends. Having people who know you better than you know yourself and sharing love that is true blue is an extraordinary gift I wouldn’t trade for the world. I hope men will one day get to experience a bond so deep and so special.