As my hand reaches for the familiar spot on the top of my scalp, I become frustrated and attempt to pull it away. I didn’t even notice I was reaching for my hair, searching for one to pull out until it was too late. Will each hair I pull out, I feel a sense of satisfaction and then disappointment quickly after. I become embarrassed and put my hand to my side and sigh. Why does this keep happening to me, and why can’t I seem to stop?
I started to pick out my hair around the same time that COVID had started. One day I would have never thought of messing with my hair and the next I noticed a small bald spot on the top of my head, dead center in the middle of the part. That is when I noticed I have been picking out my hair, piece by piece.
I have always had a problem with picking at my skin. I pick and scratch my head to the point where scabs form. Somehow this went from a nervous habit of mine to a regular day-to-day occurrence. I picked at my head to the point where I bled, and waited for the scab to form so I could pick them off. The cycle seemingly never ended and I would do this over and over again. I knew this was obviously not normal behavior but somehow I liked the sensation and didn’t stop myself.
My parents began noticing my bloody and scabbed head and interrogated me with all kinds of questions. They couldn’t seem to understand why I would intentionally do something that would cause me to bleed and “hurt” myself. I never had any answers for them. I did it because it became a habit and I liked the way it felt, that’s the only way I could explain it. They obviously couldn’t understand this and I never really expected them to. I didn’t fully understand it myself. It was weird and I was very aware of that.
Somewhere along the way, picking my scabs led to also picking my hair. The scabs formed over my hair so when I picked that, the hair would come with it. This led to a whole new problem for me, picking my hair intentionally. I mostly lost the urge to scratch my head until scabs formed after being scolded countless times by my parents. I realized that when I did this it became noticeable to others and it was something I just did not want to explain to people. I needed something to replace the urge and the sensation of picking my scabs. I convinced myself people wouldn’t notice if I picked out a few hairs here and there because I have so much hair on my head. Would it really make a difference if a few were missing?
With a few quick Google searches, I figured out I may be dealing with something bigger than I was originally aware of. I learned about trichotillomania, which is described by WebMD as “a type of impulse control disorder where people have an irresistible urge to pull out their hair, usually from their scalp, eyelashes, and eyebrows.”
With each search, I found out more and more about this disorder that really resonated with me. All of the behaviors and weird things I was experiencing were suddenly being explained. This made me feel much better knowing that I was not the only one who was experiencing this. Finally knowing what I was struggling with was a huge comfort for me.
Because I tended to pick the same spot over and over again, I only ever had one bald spot. People close to me would be able to tell when my trichotillomania got bad again based on how big the spot was. As time passed, I found different ways to keep my hands busy and off of my head. With yet another Google search, I found so many different recommendations of ways to stop picking and treat this disorder. Many of them didn’t work for me, but I found that by staying busy I would be more likely to not pick. Things like Play-oh, Silly Putty, and other fidgets worked well for me and I still continue to play with them to avoid pulling my hair.
I talk about my trichotillomania as if I did some research and was magically cured, but the reality is that this is something I still struggle with to this day. It has been four years since I first began picking my hair and about three and a half since I started taking it seriously and finding ways to manage these urges. It has not been easy but it is something I am determined to get over for good.
A few months ago I managed to quit pulling out my hair all together for several months in a row. I was really proud of myself and hardly thought about it at all. Unfortunately, around March of each year I tend to fall back into this bad habit for various reasons, one being that this is the time of year I struggled with this originally. I have identified many of my triggers and try to avoid them as best I can, but obviously I can’t avoid March every year. As this time of year rolls around I do my best to keep myself busy and avoid letting my hands sit for too long so that I am not tempted by these urges. Some other triggers I have found for myself include car rides, watching movies, and sitting in lectures. All of these involve me sitting with nothing to do with my hands.
I know this is something I might get over, or hopefully grow out of it one day, but until then I am focusing on finding ways to manage these urges and train myself to stop picking my hair. Trichotillomania is not a disorder many people know of nor is it talked about often: so many people are confused or weirded out about my behavior upon hearing about it. I don’t judge people for their confusion because it is weird and I had the same reaction when I first went through it. There is hope for those people who struggle with disorders that aren’t necessarily obvious. My goal is to stay positive and manage this for my own good, and also raise awareness for those who may be struggling like me.