Many introverts, like myself, can relate to feeling isolated because we’re not as loud or talkative as others. When I was younger, I was very shy and the only way I did anything fun was because others invited me. Over time, I found the easiest way to keep being included was to go along with whatever the plans were at any given time. Once I started going along with what my friends and peers wanted me to do, people included me more often. Every time they needed help with something, needed to vent or wanted someone to go with them someplace, I was first to volunteer. This was also a problem when I was in leadership roles. I felt I should bear the burden of what needed to be done, so I would take on more work, even if it wasn’t necessary.
All instances of my being a pushover were fueled by one general worry: If I stopped saying ‘yes,’ I would be disliked and forgotten.
A pushover, generally, is easily influenced. The most common interpretation is that pushovers are willing to agree to everything despite their own interests. I wanted to be liked and assumed being agreeable and kind would guarantee that outcome. My pushover period was also marked by wanting to be “considerate” of others, even if it meant putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. What I was really doing was putting everyone else’s needs before my own.
This leads me to my first piece of advice: be kind to others, but keep yourself in mind.
Instead of agreeing to everything to make yourself seem like a kind person, practice being kind within limits. This means doing nice things for others but not at your own expense. It’s easy to be blinded by wanting to be kind; trust me, I’ve been there. But if you are actively inconveniencing yourself by doing so, do not bend over backward. Especially if you know the person would never do the same. The tough thing I had to realize is many people are terrible. As much as I wanted to believe otherwise, it’s the truth. They would never go out of their way for me if they were in my position. So, I shouldn’t have been sacrificing my needs for their wants. I know this may sound selfish, but everyone should and deserves to be selfish at least once in a while.
Another piece of advice: set boundaries and do not cross them unless necessary.
If you are in a similar pushover phase, you may have trouble setting boundaries. You would do whatever you could to keep people happy with you, even if you felt off about it. This often happened to me in academic settings and settings where I had to be in a leadership position. I wanted people to see me as trustworthy and “an excellent worker” so severely that I would exhaust myself trying to keep up with the extra work I elected to do. I would exhaust myself just for the validation I would get from others. The problem here isn’t sacrificing a little for work or a friend but doing so constantly. Don’t be afraid to let people down, especially if doing so prevents you from letting yourself down.
Recognize that not everyone has to like you.
My brand of being a pushover was influenced by wanting everyone to like me. The hard truth is not everyone needs to like me, and not everyone will. No matter how nice you are or how much you do, those actions will not grant you some kind of golden ticket to friendship and admiration. Also, think of who you are trying to please. Do you want to associate with them if they treat you differently for not going along with what they want you to do? Do you want to be around someone who ghosts you for not always being available to them? Asking these questions helped me prioritize who I gave energy to and who wasn’t worth the time.
I’ll admit I still make these mistakes and haven’t reached the end of my pushover phase. But I’m able to catch myself taking on too much for others. Hopefully, hearing part of my experience can help others. See you on the other side.