For as long as I can remember, I have been deemed overly-sensitive. Whether it be the fact that I was born under a Pisces moon and sun, or simply due to an intense capacity for emotion, my “big feelings” have dictated my life for all of eighteen years. In childhood, this manifested itself as weeping sobs over minor critiques and backhanded remarks. As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed my deep emotions have impacted me in unpredicted ways.
We have all heard it: regardless of gender identity or orientation, every deeply feeling human has been personally victimized by the phrase, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” Was stroking my hair while he tenderly held me in his arms just an average Tuesday night for him, then? Does every girl he considers a “casual” lover also receive a kiss on the forehead before she leaves?
The rise in casual relationships have truly emphasized the “hopeless” in the hopeless romantic. People looking for casual relationships are comically easy to find on college campuses, due to the perpetuation of the idea that the “college experience” requires no-strings-attached relationships and carefree sex. Let me make myself abundantly clear: there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring your romantic relationships be kept casual. What happens consensually between relationship partners is absolutely no one’s business.
However, for me, this rise in casual relationships has led to hours of doom scrolling on Tinder, expecting to find my true love at the swipe of a finger, only to be dismayed at the sight of “Short-term fun” listed in their relationship preferences. Constantly, I find myself falling head-first for a man who sees me as nothing more than a commodity at his disposal–someone who comes running when I receive a “wyd” text at 12:43 AM on a Tuesday.
So, are those –like me– who easily form connections eternally doomed to be targeted for their emotional vulnerability and big feelings? I don’t think so. What I’ve learned through my bouts of trials and tribulations in forming relationships is the importance of knowing yourself. Defining your wants and needs in a potential relationship can help you to seek out a partner best fit for you. When you understand what you want, it becomes significantly easier to ask for that from somebody else. Even if this means spending time alone or purposefully ignoring the ever-alluring world of college dating, I cannot stress enough the importance of knowing your requirements rather than fumbling blindly trying to figure it out. There’s beauty in being alone. The times that I have learned most about myself have been in times between relationships (and dreaded “situationships”).
In addition to understanding your needs and exploring your relationship style, it’s absolutely necessary to steer clear of relationships that do not fit your criteria. We’ve all been there: trapped in a state of delusion, convinced you can be the one to change the guy who is looking for low commitment and casual connections. News flash: you probably can’t. Just as it is difficult to try and mold your needs around somebody else’s, it’s similarly unrealistic to expect someone to alter their needs to fit yours.
Finally, as a deep-feeler, it is absolutely integral to maintaining your sanity to find fulfillment in the platonic relationship. In a culture that enforces the idea that you’re doing something wrong if you are not seeking or maintaining a romantic partner at all times, it is nearly an act of defiance to find contentment in friendship being the only love you truly ever need.
It’s fun to imagine your happy ending with 2.5 children and a white picket fence, but it’s also important to remember that we are all following different romantic timelines. There is no “correct” time to find a partner, and it’s okay if the people you meet on your college campus do not absolutely scream “spousal-material.” To all my deep feelers: remember to prioritize what you want out of love, not what others want from you. Keep your head held high, and your standards held even higher.