The seasons are changing and someone is missing. Why is it that grief feels so unnatural, yet it is possibly one of the most natural emotions on earth? No one expects there to be a time when someone won’t be here anymore, but it is something that reminds us of how precious this life is.
I am not new to loss. Growing up, my family admittedly had much experience with the circle of life, as my childhood dog made a “dog mistake”, as my mom put it, and ate our chickens. Tragic as it might seem, it was not the only tragedy in our “farmish” life. But even as I experienced the circle of life with animals, it did not prepare me in the slightest.
I lost my grandfather about a month ago. Beyond the loss of childhood pets, I hadn’t experienced grief in this capacity before. This is something inexplicable that takes on the form of a whirlwind of emotions; I am often unable to discern which feeling is which. I will be laughing, then think of him and all of a sudden a wave of sadness washes over me. Sometimes it feels like Sadness from Inside Out is in my mind, every memory she touches turning blue.
There isn’t, at least that I know of, a manual to explain why grief works the way it does and how to handle it best. One of my friends passed away earlier this year, and I didn’t cry until two days later when my entire body seemed like it exploded with emotions, unable to contain the deep sadness I felt. The thought of life moving on — even though someone dear to you isn’t there to experience it — is one of the most unnatural thoughts. I feel like I am always thinking of the future but never of a future without them in it.
My grandfather didn’t express many of his emotions, besides snark and the occasional snicker. But he did constantly listen and only wished the best for us. Instead of saying “I love you”, he would pat us on the back and say, “Be good.” I think about what it means to be good. He was a good man who appreciated the little things and carried himself steadfast with dignity and strength. The effect of his character will linger forever in my heart and the hearts of many. He was there for every celebration, every birthday party, nightly family dinners, graduation, and even my swim meets that were in uncomfortably hot rec centers. Looking back, he was a constant that I could rely on whether I was aware of it or not.
I am reminded of him every day, in things big and small, and something that is as constant as he was is the reminder that life keeps moving. As the flowers continue to bloom, I can rely on their sweet smells when I walk by. I can expect the hot sun to blaze in the early afternoon. I can also rely on my emotions to sway as I continue to process this loss and support my family as they process it too. Now with my notes of things to rely on, I have to add to my own “handbook” of grief. I will hug my friends and family a little tighter, laugh a little harder, and feel even deeper. It may not always seem like a gift to feel your emotions, but it is a tragedy to suppress them. Because this life is precious, and those around you are not to be taken for granted. I’ll continue to try to “be good”, whatever that may look like, and strive to be someone he and I can be proud of.
I’ll leave with you a quote from my favorite poem: ‘The Desiderata’. This poem has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life, and it will continue to be my crutch as life inevitably goes on.
“Be yourself
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.”
- Max Enhrmann