I hate change. I’ve always had a difficult time transitioning into different phases of my life. Moving away from home to college was honestly one of the hardest transitions for me. I’m very fortunate to have a loving family and an amazing relationship with my parents. However, this made it harder for me to leave. I couldn’t imagine not seeing them everyday, eating dinner as a family most of the week, or spending our nights watching shows together. Officially leaving home was a tough pill for me to swallow.
It’s also difficult for me to accept that my childhood is over. I won’t be living at home over the holidays, I’ll visit for Thanksgiving, and from here on out – I’m a visitor. While my childhood home is (and always will be) my home – I am not going to live there permanently after this summer. With that being said, my dorm room doesn’t feel like my home – it is where I am currently living. There’s a difference. I need a home.
My first semester of college was tough for me. I had no car, few friends, and felt as though I had nowhere to go to relax and unwind. I was having a difficult time not being home every day and night and lacked a community – I felt surrounded by strangers. I know it’s normal but I couldn’t cope with not feeling genuine connections with anyone. I was surrounded by acquaintances. There was only so much I could do about that.
I remember the exact moment that my parents dropped me off at my dorm and for the first time I felt completely and utterly alone. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. But, that was the moment that I felt everything change. I truly was coming into my own version of independence.
I did everything I could to get involved and try to make new friends – I talked to new people everywhere I went, I met everyone on my dorm floor, I went to various workout classes, I made sure that I wasn’t alone in my dorm for too long, I said “yes” more, and I tried to redefine who I was to make people like me. I abandoned who I was to be friends with people who I didn’t even want to be friends with in the first place. I just wanted to belong somewhere. It felt gross and wrong – I was defeated and lonely. It caused me to heavily debate whether I was meant to be at CU – thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant for it. I put too much pressure on figuring everything out right away. I still haven’t figured everything out – but I’m at peace with that revelation. I’m learning how to let things happen naturally.
I think what made the transition harder for me was the pressure of freshman year in college to be the “best” year of college and possibly of your life – but I was miserable. We’re free to do whatever we want! We can define who we are with a blank slate – which is exhilarating but also terrifying. I went to parties, frats, football games, the Hill, and all the other party attractions in Boulder but still felt out of place. I felt like an imposter in my own story. I was so tired of pretending that I was having the best time of my life.
Freshman year is portrayed as being the best time to meet people, have fun, and discover your new independence. Everyone around me acted and felt like they were truly having the best time with amusing nights that never ended which I heard about in the morning and how they were truly living their best life. I heard stories from my co-workers and watched Tiktoks where people had met their permanent friend group, found the love of their life, and discovered their purpose all during their freshman year of college. Why couldn’t I feel any of that? I’ve slowly begun to understand that that just isn’t my story. Meeting the love of my life and having that moment of realization for my purpose in this world just isn’t meant for me – at least not right now. And that’s okay.
But, this isn’t a sob story. While my first semester in college wasn’t the greatest for me and I know that it’s only a few weeks into my second semester – I can see things looking up. I am not done discovering who I am. I am constantly learning new things about myself like my newfound love for writing, I enjoy having to-do lists, I love romanticizing things, I have found a good group of people to surround myself with, I want to become more spontaneous, and I can do hard things. While the year isn’t over yet – I am emerging into the second semester of my first year in college stronger than before. I have time.