The introvert who can’t stop talking?
Those close to me, and especially new acquaintances, are often surprised to find out that I consider myself an introvert. Because, well, I don’t stop talking.
As someone who never closes their mouth and always has something to say, thriving off independence seems contradictory.
How can someone who craves space feel the need to fill any gap of silence?
Surely yapping this much must mean I want to hear myself speak.
This is the furthest from the truth.
The more I speak, the more I feel I’m overcompensating for speaking in the first place; one might say I’m digging myself into a deeper hole in the process.
Unfortunately, my discomfort often causes me to behave unnaturally, in ways that don’t reflect who I truly am. My response to this discomfort manifests in the worst form of communication: oversharing.
Oversharing is “to share or reveal too much information”
This idea may seem counterintuitive, however, my inability to exist in silence does not reflect personality, but rather my response to social spaces. Perhaps it’s my attempt at connection and acceptance, even if it can be perceived as desperation.
This response to social spaces does not serve me well at Boulder with about 30,000 undergraduate students and so many opportunities to socialize and make new friends. This might sound like a dream scenario for some, but at times, it becomes my greatest fear.
College life doesn’t necessarily allow me to live my introverted fantasy — time with myself.
I often question whether putting myself in uncomfortable spaces is worth the effort, especially when mustering up the energy and confidence to show up requires more convincing than having an actual conversation.
My answer is still unknown. If I make it to the social gathering I’m dreading — group work or parties — the outcome of how I feel about myself and socializing is largely determined by the conversations I have.
I would like to take a moment and clarify: being introverted is not an embarrassing quality — actually it’s far from it because it allows for much more awareness. However, it does make communication difficult, specifically in the form of small talk.
Through interactions I’ve had, I’ve noticed that there are many factors that determine whether a conversation feels “successful.” These factors range from physical hearing impairments and saying “huh” 27 times before just smiling and nodding to overthinking every word that leaves my mouth.
This social faux pas is not always negative, as I think it promotes relatability and ease, especially with those you don’t know. Typically I can tell who truly vibes with my funk based on their reaction to my TMI disclosures. Many of my best friendships have derived from oversharing, since we’re able to understand each other on a more intimate level without judgement.
However, there is a limit to what is acceptable, in terms of content and frequency, before you start making everyone around you uncomfortable. Being someone who overshares, I’ve had to learn how to regulate how much I share about myself with other people. Particularly, the people I share it with.
As a woman in a society structured by men, feeling out of place seems to be a universal experience. While during most conversations I have with men I do not speak unless spoken to, in situations where I find myself comforted by the presence of a genuine-spirited girl, gay, or they, it feels like an invitation to share something that would otherwise remain in the drafts, IYKYK.
Although these conversations feel “successful” in the moment, that feeling is quickly overshadowed by a mental black out. I’m left experiencing symptoms similar to hangxiety, specifically brain fog. This induces the most anxiety from the uncertainty of not remembering how much I disclosed, especially when I realize it’s probably information I wouldn’t even share with those closest to me. Leaving those conversations, I’m only able to replay the parts in my head that I wish I hadn’t said even if the other person responded normally.
My goal isn’t necessarily to stop oversharing or being an introvert, as neither of these are flaws that need eliminating. I don’t need to stop talking. However, being more intentional with what I say will remove the regret I suffer with after conversations.
This is much harder for me because, as I said earlier, silence is my kryptonite. A strategy that allows me to continue to be myself while feeling satisfaction in my social life is to use my words to ask other people about themselves. Showing genuine interest allows me to build mutual connections without feeling the need to reveal personal information. Implementing this strategy into my life has helped improve my social cues and has led to deeper conversations at the right time and place.
I’m learning that rushing into explaining myself in an attempt to be understood might just not be necessary. Learning to pause and listen has taught me that connections are meant to develop naturally. I may never be comfortable in silence, but that empty space is room for someone else.