I consider my mother to be a very progressive woman. She is a strong supporter of women’s rights and pro-life, donates to public radio stations, and has a strong disdain for Trump.Â
That being said, something that she has always been a stickler on is sex. My mom used to be a public high school health teacher, so she knew to teach me about sex ed before I even started middle school. I always thought that was a little early, but at the same time I knew how to use a condom way before my peers (and way before I needed to.)Â
Something else that she mentioned, however, was abstinence. I was shown numerous videos at the end of middle school and during high school about the joys of not having sex, and how it’s important to be, well, married to the person before you have sex with them. This was so different from how I viewed my mom’s politics and religion and I was confused on why sex was the thing that she thought of differently.Â
When I asked about her reasoning much later in the beginning of college, it was mostly a warning against casual sex — when you have sex with someone, you have ties to a person like no other before. It causes you to not realize red flags in a person and attach yourself to someone who doesn’t deserve you or only wants you for your body.
Coming to a large state school for college, casual sex was everywhere, and I was all for sex positivity. It felt like a way for women to gain back ownership of their bodies if they got to choose when and with who they were having sex with. If they wanted a one night stand with someone hot, then so be it! I wasn’t going to judge. I got wrapped up into a similar thought process and found myself in the casual sex environment myself, but more for the feeling of being wanted by someone after never having a romantic relationship in high school.Â
My mom had to have assumed I was having sex with a boyfriend I had during sophomore year of college (she was the one who helped me get birth control), but I doubt she knows of the other people I’ve been with in my life, before and after. We had this big fight once when I told her I was going on this trip with a guy I was seeing and not dating — to her, it insinuated casual sex, and in a way it kind of was.Â
Now, as I’m at a period in my life where I’m choosing to not seek out anyone or have sex in order to gain part of myself that I felt I lost to situationships, I’ve been able to reflect on the casual sex environment. For myself at least, the conclusion isn’t great.
I’ve started to relate romantic emotions to sex. I think that no one would like me if I don’t have sex with them, or if I’m not good at it. I think that if someone leaves my life who I had been sexually involved with, I feel as though I wasn’t good enough for them. With my body count rising, I’m terrified of how future partners will perceive me.Â
For me, casual sex was never casual, and it was a realization I made way too late. While people can separate actions from emotions a lot better than I can, I have to say that my mom was right in this situation — casual sex just leads me to being more hurt and confused than before.Â
Am I going to tell her that she was right? Absolutely not, because that just means I’m owning up to every casual sex experience I’ve had — and I don’t want to kill my mother. But I’m definitely taking this as a lesson to listen to what she says, since she was once my age too and probably had a hunch on what she was talking about. I’m not saying that she’s right all the time, she still doesn’t believe me that young people have traded dating for situationships, but in the end I know she’s looking out for me.
If you find yourself constantly stressed out or exhausted when going through something that’s labeled more casual, maybe it’s a sign to see what you truly need. You can find intimacy in deep conversations, comfort in watching movies or writing poetry, or validation from loved ones already in your life. I don’t think I’m against casual sex even after all this since I know that people’s brains work differently than mine, but I just hope it works out in everyone’s favor. As for me, I’m hoping to start a next relationship without sex on the forefront, but rather a conversation.